friends

[juldea]

So, I've figured something out. This might make some people feel guilty; that's not my intent. It's one of those facts-of-life things and I'm not trying to make anyone change. I'm just vocalizing something I have worked out. There's probably a lot of fault that lies on me, too.

I believe the reason why I am often unsatisfied with my social dynamics in Norman is that I do not feel that anyone ever wants to spend time with specifically me. I know that I am often overcome with the urge to hang out with X, do homework with Y, or share my feelings with Z. I do not feel that I inspire similar urges in other people to hang out with me.

I feel that anyone I consider a best friend in Norman (I will use the feminine pronouns for simplicity) has another person in Norman that she considers better friends to her than I am. [I apologize for the construction of that sentence.] I am probably closest to Jason out of anyone in the world, but there are people in Norman who do not fall far behind. However, I don't feel like I stand with them in similar places. I really like X a lot, but X likes Y more than she likes me, and therefore I'll more often see her initiating social stuff with Y than with me. I'm welcome to join, if I ask, but (relating to the first point) my presence isn't desired as much as Y's is...

Actually, this applies as much to non-Norman people as to Norman people, with the exception of Jason. Friends in other cities/states/countries that I desparately wish I had the ability to visit would more likely want someone else to visit if they had to choose.

It just sucks. I don't know if I should expect things like human interaction to be fair, but I feel like for the love/etc I'm giving out, I should get the same in return. It makes me think there's reason for being a hermit - you're never disappointed.

I originally had "disallow comments" checked because I really don't want to read a slew of "oh Julia, you know I love you, blahblah" comments that don't actually relate to the points I'm making (I don't doubt that most of you LIKE me, even love me), or "oh julia, [insert justification here]" comments that won't actually justify what I feel is an unfair situation. However, if you feel you have something relevant to say that won't just aggravate the situation, I have unchecked that box and you can now comment.

Comments

[tank182.livejournal.com]

yo, don't worry i won't give you the "oh julia we love you stuff.." but i will add my two cents for what it's worth. i know how you feel believe it or not. i often feel like even if my friends like they would just assume hang out with someone else. social life (especailly in a place like norman) seems to revolve around little circles of people. and whenever i distence myself from a perticuler circle i find it really really really really hard to find my way back into it. and in the case of both you and i we were gone all summer so we've been away from all the local socail circles. while i was gone hardly any of my freinds ever emailed me or attempted to call me and i spent most of the summer assuming that everyone hated me and i was really dreading coming back. since i've been back i've found that most of it was in my head. i tend to put up walls between myself and others.... walls are dangerous, tear them down! people are busy (hell i'm busy!) and when people are busy they tend to live on rutines. and if your not on a persons rutine it can sometimes take something really out of the ordanery to get back in it. i've been spending a lot of time with chris, chris and chase since i got back but the funny thing is that before i left i hadn't really done that much with any of them in a while. that's life. i know i said i wouldn't say it but what the hell, i love you julia, always have and always will. if you ever find that your not too busy and starving for company give me a call, i probably am too.
p.s. please ignore all the miss spelled words...

[vambot5.livejournal.com]

just because we didn't hang out a whole lot before you left doesn't mean that I didn't miss you even then!

I don't know if this reply will go to julia as well as john, but I'll add a note to her too. I miss you, julia! we've never had a lot of social interaction directly with one another, but I like you a lot. I was even going to overcome my fear of calling people and call you to invite you to eat sushi with me last night (too bad I didn't have your number, and you were broke and busy anyway). I miss working with you (a lot! working with you was great) and I miss your hugs. I'm awful at initiating hanging out with people, but I'm definitely interested in hanging out with you. we'll have to talk direcly about our schedules and see when we would be able to do stuff together.

Re:

[juldea.livejournal.com]

See what I said to Tiffany... my schedule will soon be posted, for all to see and consider. :)

I definitely want to hang out with you more.

[juldea.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know a lot of this has to do with being gone for the summer. People get used to the fact that you're not there, so you're not in the front of their minds when they're thinking of socializing...

And also, I returned just a couple days before school and work started, so I haven't gotten to throw MYSELF out into the fray yet. I came home to goldbug but I really haven't called people up and said, "I'm back, hang out with me!" It's more like I've run into people on campus, or found myself in a position to drop by and see them (Elise). I haven't had time to see you, Chris, Chris, Chase, Thom, and any number of other people yet. But I really want to!!

Maybe I should throw a party.

[flyingindie.livejournal.com]

I feel like I have friends here, but they're used to me showing up to random events at random times. I just moved to Norman, and I don't know how to jump into things.

Ooooooooh, a party!

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[juldea.livejournal.com]

I don't even know that there are often 'things' to jump into. It's more spontaneous.

Jump into the computer lab! You'll find I'm big on this. I like friends dropping by there while I'm working, because it can get boring.

Hmm, someone else likes the party idea... And I could get cheap pizza for a party.

[flyingindie.livejournal.com]

The physics computer lab?

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[juldea.livejournal.com]

yep!

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[tank182.livejournal.com]

we should have a party...

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[juldea.livejournal.com]

Do you have a place for a party? I'm not sure my apartment is big enough.

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[tank182.livejournal.com]

that would be cool because i'm living and my parents house at the moment and it's probably not the best place. when should we do it?

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[juldea.livejournal.com]

wait... what would be cool? the fact that both my apartment and your parents' house are bad ideas?

maybe we should have the party late-night at the physics computer lab. Enough people have keys. Except too many people would just play on the computers ;)

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[tank182.livejournal.com]

forgive me, i'm an idiot. when i read your comment i somehow left the word "not" out. i read "i'm sure my apartement would big enough". hmmm.... we should use thom and chase's place, i'm sure they would be down.

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[juldea.livejournal.com]

I'll start thinking about a date. There's already a party this weekend. And lots of us will need prior notice to get days off of work.

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[tank182.livejournal.com]

at the moment i have mondays and tuesdays off. probably with some notice i could get off on a better night. i was also thinking about movie night. i've got plans this monday but starting the next week we should do movie night every monday. if that works of course.

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[juldea.livejournal.com]

It seems like Tuesdays will work better for me. Starting this Tuesday?

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[tank182.livejournal.com]

this tuesday i'm going to open mic night and then a show at the deli afterward... you should come!

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[juldea.livejournal.com]

Not sure about the Deli show as my bedtime needs to be between 11 and 12 these days, but sure I'll come to open mic night if my homework is all done!

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[tank182.livejournal.com]

cool! it's at brothers on campus corner. it goes from about 7-10 and i'll probably show up around 8 or so. which means i'll probably play anywhere from 8-10.

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[juldea.livejournal.com]

OooO, I've never been to Brothers. Is there a cover charge?

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[tank182.livejournal.com]

no cover!

yea

[eor1312.livejournal.com]

i get this feeling all the time. i dont feel bad about posting it here because neither you nor your friends are responsible for my feeling like this. :). my friends are the same way. sometimes i feel like im trying harder to get someone to see me as a best friend than i am enjoying my time with people. im not saying this is how you are, im just explaining how i am. i feel like im usually second or third choice, which is nice as well, but for at least one person out there i should be first choice, right? someone should always want to hang out with me most.

Re: yea

[juldea.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I'll have to think about that part, the trying harder to be someone's best friend than trying to just have fun with them. If that's the case, I should work on that.

[zenandtheart.livejournal.com]

hrm.. I know how you feel. I think we all go through stages of feeling left out or ignored. I know Corch went through one a little while back when his friends had a few parties and he wasnt told. turned out everyone thought someone else had invited him and then they all just assumed he was busy. This probably isn't what's happening to you but .. I dunno, seemed slightly relevant! A mutual friend of ours told me recently that the times Corch got left out it was kind of ironic cause he is so much in the middle of things and the centre of the group that people generally assume he knew about whatever it was before they did.
Ok, so this doesnt relate to you at all.. but it's a good story with some kind of message in there somewhere!

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[juldea.livejournal.com]

I hate the "but we assumed you were busy/at work/etc". Things like that are always negotiable, and I'd much rather be invited and have to say no than to be assumed to not be able to come. It makes me feel like I'm not invited because I'm not invited, if you see the difference.

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[zenandtheart.livejournal.com]

I mean they assumed someone else had asked and he'd said he was busy. Also, Corch's friends are pretty informal, they often just assume that if he hears about something and wants to turn up he just will, they don't often actually ask him if he wants to come, they figure just mentioning that it's happening is the same as an invitation. But like I said, this probably isn't quite like your situation:)

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[juldea.livejournal.com]

I dunno, you keep saying things that I think are relevant ;)

The "mentioning it's happening is the same as an invitation" attitude also bothers me. I don't feel invited unless I'm actually INVITED. Well, unless I know it's a "bring as many people as you like that the host doesn't know" type party.

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[zenandtheart.livejournal.com]

yeah.. I went through something similar a couple of years ago with one group of friends only it was because my housemate, whom I had introduced to them, kept going to visit them and calling them all the time and failing to mention it to me, and when I asked where she'd been and then why I hadn't been invited she would laugh and say 'oh you know you don't have to be *invited*, we were just hanging out'. Which SHITTED me because she would deliberately not mention it beforehand and then drop it into conversation afterwards as if rubbing in the she was closer to my friends than I was. Eventually I stopped hanging out with any of them, it was all too frustrating. Now I'm sure no one is being mean to you like that, but when I read your entry I thought of her. Bitch.

[flyingindie.livejournal.com]

I've been spending evenings perched up in my dorm room because I didn't think anyone was particularly interested in hanging out with me, but if you'd like to see me sometime, I'd love to see you. When do you have free time?

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[juldea.livejournal.com]

Yes! I keep wondering if I'll bump into you sometime, and thinking that if I do something (which I haven't been doing much except class and work) I should ask you.

Until Monday, my schedule is:

Thursday: lab 9-10:30, class 10:30-1:15, lab 2:30-3:30, afterwards FREE!!! (well homework sometime I'm sure, and maybe working out at Huston Huffman!)

Friday: class 8:30-11:30, lab 12:30-2:30, free time, Papa John's 6pm-4am (gak)

Saturday: visiting my mom in the morning/afternoon, Papa John's 6pm-4am (repeat: gak)

Sunday: FREE time, Papa John's 6pm-11pm

After I get my PJ's schedule for next week (it'll be up on Friday night) I'll be posting my schedules for interested parties. :)