friends

[juldea]

So, I've figured something out. This might make some people feel guilty; that's not my intent. It's one of those facts-of-life things and I'm not trying to make anyone change. I'm just vocalizing something I have worked out. There's probably a lot of fault that lies on me, too.

I believe the reason why I am often unsatisfied with my social dynamics in Norman is that I do not feel that anyone ever wants to spend time with specifically me. I know that I am often overcome with the urge to hang out with X, do homework with Y, or share my feelings with Z. I do not feel that I inspire similar urges in other people to hang out with me.

I feel that anyone I consider a best friend in Norman (I will use the feminine pronouns for simplicity) has another person in Norman that she considers better friends to her than I am. [I apologize for the construction of that sentence.] I am probably closest to Jason out of anyone in the world, but there are people in Norman who do not fall far behind. However, I don't feel like I stand with them in similar places. I really like X a lot, but X likes Y more than she likes me, and therefore I'll more often see her initiating social stuff with Y than with me. I'm welcome to join, if I ask, but (relating to the first point) my presence isn't desired as much as Y's is...

Actually, this applies as much to non-Norman people as to Norman people, with the exception of Jason. Friends in other cities/states/countries that I desparately wish I had the ability to visit would more likely want someone else to visit if they had to choose.

It just sucks. I don't know if I should expect things like human interaction to be fair, but I feel like for the love/etc I'm giving out, I should get the same in return. It makes me think there's reason for being a hermit - you're never disappointed.

I originally had "disallow comments" checked because I really don't want to read a slew of "oh Julia, you know I love you, blahblah" comments that don't actually relate to the points I'm making (I don't doubt that most of you LIKE me, even love me), or "oh julia, [insert justification here]" comments that won't actually justify what I feel is an unfair situation. However, if you feel you have something relevant to say that won't just aggravate the situation, I have unchecked that box and you can now comment.

Comments

[zenandtheart.livejournal.com]

hrm.. I know how you feel. I think we all go through stages of feeling left out or ignored. I know Corch went through one a little while back when his friends had a few parties and he wasnt told. turned out everyone thought someone else had invited him and then they all just assumed he was busy. This probably isn't what's happening to you but .. I dunno, seemed slightly relevant! A mutual friend of ours told me recently that the times Corch got left out it was kind of ironic cause he is so much in the middle of things and the centre of the group that people generally assume he knew about whatever it was before they did.
Ok, so this doesnt relate to you at all.. but it's a good story with some kind of message in there somewhere!

Re:

[juldea.livejournal.com]

I hate the "but we assumed you were busy/at work/etc". Things like that are always negotiable, and I'd much rather be invited and have to say no than to be assumed to not be able to come. It makes me feel like I'm not invited because I'm not invited, if you see the difference.

Re:

[zenandtheart.livejournal.com]

I mean they assumed someone else had asked and he'd said he was busy. Also, Corch's friends are pretty informal, they often just assume that if he hears about something and wants to turn up he just will, they don't often actually ask him if he wants to come, they figure just mentioning that it's happening is the same as an invitation. But like I said, this probably isn't quite like your situation:)

Re:

[juldea.livejournal.com]

I dunno, you keep saying things that I think are relevant ;)

The "mentioning it's happening is the same as an invitation" attitude also bothers me. I don't feel invited unless I'm actually INVITED. Well, unless I know it's a "bring as many people as you like that the host doesn't know" type party.

Re:

[zenandtheart.livejournal.com]

yeah.. I went through something similar a couple of years ago with one group of friends only it was because my housemate, whom I had introduced to them, kept going to visit them and calling them all the time and failing to mention it to me, and when I asked where she'd been and then why I hadn't been invited she would laugh and say 'oh you know you don't have to be *invited*, we were just hanging out'. Which SHITTED me because she would deliberately not mention it beforehand and then drop it into conversation afterwards as if rubbing in the she was closer to my friends than I was. Eventually I stopped hanging out with any of them, it was all too frustrating. Now I'm sure no one is being mean to you like that, but when I read your entry I thought of her. Bitch.