thoughts on the future

[juldea]

In high school and even somewhat beyond, I was very emotionally leechy. I know it now, and perhaps I even knew it then. I was a "can't live without you", can't-be-worth-anything-without-a-boyfriend, basing-my-self-perception-on-what-you-say mess. I've grown past most of that now, and am very happy with myself that I did. Feeling independent and self-sufficient is very important to me.

But maybe I'm taking it too far.

I've had a lot of trouble figuring out what I want for my future. The things I enjoy doing - music, bellydance (any type of dance in general really), internet chatting/gaming - are not really things I can make a living doing. I want to do those things, and I want to stay in school to some degree, taking a class or two at a time and learning things that interest me. No huge goals, just live happy and educated, among loved ones.

So yeah, there's no way to do those things and make a living. Music and bellydance have capabilities to make money, but I don't think I have the ability to get that good at either in the time allowed. I don't want to turn them into a business, either. They're pleasure.

So I think about getting a job, what I want to do as work. I don't know. There's nothing that pays that I really enjoy doing and want to do full-time. Part time, maybe. Tutoring and substitute teaching. But I want to be able to pick up and go anywhere if needs be...

So, what I've struggled violently against for a few years now suddenly comes into view as an option. It is possible to not have a steady full-time job and yet still not be a drain on other people. Not be leechy on them... to earn your worth.

I've never thought really about being a housewife (I prefer the term 'homekeeper' that I made up earlier today), I always assumed I would have some type of well-paying job. But, really. With the no-kids plan that I currently have, keeping my house clean and maintained might still leave me time to take a class or two, go to bellydance classes, and practice music.

This is the part that for some strange reason still hangs me up though. Am I worth keeping around for someone, costing them rent and food money, by just doing our dishes and laundry, cleaning and cooking, etc? Certainly I am not trying to demean homekeepers in any way, I know how much of a very demanding -job- it is.

I guess that's where the hangup lies. For other people it's hard work and I respect them for it and they shouldn't be required or asked to do any more in their lives. But for me, it seems like even if I were to keep my house with my partner/husband/whatever in tip-top shape, I'd feel like I wasn't earning my worth and that I'd be resented.

However, it seems to be the solution to my plan. Stay at home, assuming home only houses 2 people and some pets, keep the place clean, and pursue my desires in the spare time. No work to worry about being to on time every day...

I don't know why, but it scares the shit out of me.

Comments

ahhhhhhhh yes. kept women of the world unite!

[mongonoodle.livejournal.com]

yeah julia how much money do you think i contribute to this lovely abode and our extremely comfortable lifestyle with my little "job"? it scares the hell out of me to be kept for no other reason than ravi likes living with me. for months before i started working, though, all i was able to pay for was my car insurance and gas. and still ravi kept me. the solution we worked out when i did get steady work was just to combine all earnings into one big account (except for my school savings). that makes it easier on for me to spend money without feeling like i'm constantly spending ravi's money, since my money goes in there too. but the fact still remains. i would *not* be able to live the way i do if ravi did not finance it.

Re: ahhhhhhhh yes. kept women of the world unite!

[juldea.livejournal.com]

The shared bank account is a very good idea.

Like I said, I don't hold any ill thoughts towards those people I know who are supported by others. I just was able last night to put a finger on the exact spot that bothers me; that I have a problem with myself being supported by someone else. Maybe it's a remaining effect of the super-low self esteem I used to have, that I would not feel confident that whomever really liked me enough to support me without resentment. However, it's silly to think that while knowing that Jason likes me a whole lot. I don't have doubts in any other area, just this idea. I'm posting about it because I need to get over it. ;)

So it's good for me to hear about how other people are in similar situations, people I like and respect.