juldea | thoughts on the future (Reply)

In high school and even somewhat beyond, I was very emotionally leechy. I know it now, and perhaps I even knew it then. I was a "can't live without you", can't-be-worth-anything-without-a-boyfriend, basing-my-self-perception-on-what-you-say mess. I've grown past most of that now, and am very happy with myself that I did. Feeling independent and self-sufficient is very important to me.

But maybe I'm taking it too far.

I've had a lot of trouble figuring out what I want for my future. The things I enjoy doing - music, bellydance (any type of dance in general really), internet chatting/gaming - are not really things I can make a living doing. I want to do those things, and I want to stay in school to some degree, taking a class or two at a time and learning things that interest me. No huge goals, just live happy and educated, among loved ones.

So yeah, there's no way to do those things and make a living. Music and bellydance have capabilities to make money, but I don't think I have the ability to get that good at either in the time allowed. I don't want to turn them into a business, either. They're pleasure.

So I think about getting a job, what I want to do as work. I don't know. There's nothing that pays that I really enjoy doing and want to do full-time. Part time, maybe. Tutoring and substitute teaching. But I want to be able to pick up and go anywhere if needs be...

So, what I've struggled violently against for a few years now suddenly comes into view as an option. It is possible to not have a steady full-time job and yet still not be a drain on other people. Not be leechy on them... to earn your worth.

I've never thought really about being a housewife (I prefer the term 'homekeeper' that I made up earlier today), I always assumed I would have some type of well-paying job. But, really. With the no-kids plan that I currently have, keeping my house clean and maintained might still leave me time to take a class or two, go to bellydance classes, and practice music.

This is the part that for some strange reason still hangs me up though. Am I worth keeping around for someone, costing them rent and food money, by just doing our dishes and laundry, cleaning and cooking, etc? Certainly I am not trying to demean homekeepers in any way, I know how much of a very demanding -job- it is.

I guess that's where the hangup lies. For other people it's hard work and I respect them for it and they shouldn't be required or asked to do any more in their lives. But for me, it seems like even if I were to keep my house with my partner/husband/whatever in tip-top shape, I'd feel like I wasn't earning my worth and that I'd be resented.

However, it seems to be the solution to my plan. Stay at home, assuming home only houses 2 people and some pets, keep the place clean, and pursue my desires in the spare time. No work to worry about being to on time every day...

I don't know why, but it scares the shit out of me.