thoughts on the future

[juldea]

In high school and even somewhat beyond, I was very emotionally leechy. I know it now, and perhaps I even knew it then. I was a "can't live without you", can't-be-worth-anything-without-a-boyfriend, basing-my-self-perception-on-what-you-say mess. I've grown past most of that now, and am very happy with myself that I did. Feeling independent and self-sufficient is very important to me.

But maybe I'm taking it too far.

I've had a lot of trouble figuring out what I want for my future. The things I enjoy doing - music, bellydance (any type of dance in general really), internet chatting/gaming - are not really things I can make a living doing. I want to do those things, and I want to stay in school to some degree, taking a class or two at a time and learning things that interest me. No huge goals, just live happy and educated, among loved ones.

So yeah, there's no way to do those things and make a living. Music and bellydance have capabilities to make money, but I don't think I have the ability to get that good at either in the time allowed. I don't want to turn them into a business, either. They're pleasure.

So I think about getting a job, what I want to do as work. I don't know. There's nothing that pays that I really enjoy doing and want to do full-time. Part time, maybe. Tutoring and substitute teaching. But I want to be able to pick up and go anywhere if needs be...

So, what I've struggled violently against for a few years now suddenly comes into view as an option. It is possible to not have a steady full-time job and yet still not be a drain on other people. Not be leechy on them... to earn your worth.

I've never thought really about being a housewife (I prefer the term 'homekeeper' that I made up earlier today), I always assumed I would have some type of well-paying job. But, really. With the no-kids plan that I currently have, keeping my house clean and maintained might still leave me time to take a class or two, go to bellydance classes, and practice music.

This is the part that for some strange reason still hangs me up though. Am I worth keeping around for someone, costing them rent and food money, by just doing our dishes and laundry, cleaning and cooking, etc? Certainly I am not trying to demean homekeepers in any way, I know how much of a very demanding -job- it is.

I guess that's where the hangup lies. For other people it's hard work and I respect them for it and they shouldn't be required or asked to do any more in their lives. But for me, it seems like even if I were to keep my house with my partner/husband/whatever in tip-top shape, I'd feel like I wasn't earning my worth and that I'd be resented.

However, it seems to be the solution to my plan. Stay at home, assuming home only houses 2 people and some pets, keep the place clean, and pursue my desires in the spare time. No work to worry about being to on time every day...

I don't know why, but it scares the shit out of me.

Comments

[ex-dervish821.livejournal.com]

i have the same thoughts about this lifestyle, and i'm living it. er, was living it before veronica.

i wish i had something great to add here, but i don't. i fear being resented for not contributing, even now.

[lamnia.livejournal.com]

Well... here goes. I am scared to death about the move I'll be making May. I don't know how long it will be before I have a job. I don't know how much I'll make. I don't know when I'll finish school. I *do* know that there is *no* way that I can contribute one half of our living expenses. The last time that I was able to afford to pay for my half of everything was when I lived in Parkview. After we made the move to Hampton Woods, and my scholarship ran out, it was agreed upon that I would pay what I had been paying in Parkview. Fredrick kept reassuring me that it was okay, and that it was his decision to move to a more expensive, far away from campus place. He said that he wanted to live with me, and that this compromise made it possible. Fredrick has our NC budget figured out already, all without any money that I *might* make taken into consideration. He even has spending money for me budgeted. It feels so wrong. He's even suggested that I not work and instead take skating lessons, play my violin, exercise, relax, raise a puppy... Ugh! I'm scared.

ahhhhhhhh yes. kept women of the world unite!

[mongonoodle.livejournal.com]

yeah julia how much money do you think i contribute to this lovely abode and our extremely comfortable lifestyle with my little "job"? it scares the hell out of me to be kept for no other reason than ravi likes living with me. for months before i started working, though, all i was able to pay for was my car insurance and gas. and still ravi kept me. the solution we worked out when i did get steady work was just to combine all earnings into one big account (except for my school savings). that makes it easier on for me to spend money without feeling like i'm constantly spending ravi's money, since my money goes in there too. but the fact still remains. i would *not* be able to live the way i do if ravi did not finance it.

[juldea.livejournal.com]

I would wonder why you didn't contribute, since as you said you're living the lifestyle and I would be curious if you had something to tell me, but I wouldn't resent you for being silent. *hug*

[juldea.livejournal.com]

Yup, sounds familiar. I'm not in the situation yet, but I expect to be in a few years. Heck, in a little over one year. Scary.

I guess the important thing is to let our boys know that we are feeling this way, and tell them to be honest about their own feelings towards it? That they should tell us if we start slacking off, rather than hiding small resentments until they grow super-big...

Heh, I guess goldbug could let me know how it feels. She only pays 1/3 rent of our Parkview apartment, but as I'm away at work all the time she does most of the cleaning. I don't know if she thinks I should do more or not...

Re: ahhhhhhhh yes. kept women of the world unite!

[juldea.livejournal.com]

The shared bank account is a very good idea.

Like I said, I don't hold any ill thoughts towards those people I know who are supported by others. I just was able last night to put a finger on the exact spot that bothers me; that I have a problem with myself being supported by someone else. Maybe it's a remaining effect of the super-low self esteem I used to have, that I would not feel confident that whomever really liked me enough to support me without resentment. However, it's silly to think that while knowing that Jason likes me a whole lot. I don't have doubts in any other area, just this idea. I'm posting about it because I need to get over it. ;)

So it's good for me to hear about how other people are in similar situations, people I like and respect.

[goldbug.livejournal.com]

nah, not really, except i think you should vacuum. mostly because the reason that the rug needs to be vacuumed is that it's covered with cat hair. :)
i think that i like things cleaner than you do, and i realize that since that is the case, either i have to do more cleaning than you do, or convince you to do cleaning jobs that you might think are silly (like cleaning the sides of the stove). and you're busy, and i'm the one who cares about stuff being clean, so i don't resent doing more cleaning than you do.

[juldea.livejournal.com]

Ehh, maybe with lots of things you like things more clean than I do (like the stove), but generally I think we might have similar views on swept floors and clean dishes and... the existance of small granules of stuff on surfaces that are supposed to be smooth. I say that because I know I don't like cat litter on the floor (even when I don't step in that area), or gritty dirt, or crumbs on the kitchen counter. It's just that you get those things clean (except the litter) before I have a chance to :)

But I'm glad to hear that you don't feel any bad feelings towards me.

And alsways, if you do, tell me to get my ass off of the computer and do some dishes. Don't even try to be nice about it. ;)

[goldbug.livejournal.com]

it's interesting...i think that in the past, at least, i felt like i was on the other side of the situation. namely, i was dating chris shove, and i just assumed that i would eventually finish my degree and get a decent "real" job, and chris would stay home, take care of the house, take care of the kids if we ever had any, and do his thing. paint, draw, whatever made him happy. maybe he would have earned some money selling paintings or teaching art, but it wouldn't have been necessary or expected money. and i was fine with the whole idea of the situation. i figured we'd probably get married, basically so he could be covered by whatever insurance i'd have at my real job.
so that was the situation i envisioned, and i was perfectly happy with it. it just seemed reasonable to me that since i'd be in a much better position to support us, i should do so. i also knew it would make me happy to do that.

now, the situation is a little different, but still the same general thing. i'm not dating anyone, but if i were, i'd probably either be in the position of being the one to support us in the future, or we'd both be working. i want to work as an architect. i think one of the reasons that i know that it's something i really want to do is that i've considered "what if i didn't have to worry about money? would i still get some kind of architecture degree and do work designing buildings?" yes, i would want to. so since i want to do it anyway, if i end up with someone who isn't making any or much money doing whatever it is that s/he really wants to be doing in life, that's fine with me. i would be happy to support my partner.

that said, i wouldn't mind finding someone who feels like supporting me through grad school. ;)

[juldea.livejournal.com]

That is a good point. Having both members of the relationship/household say, "What would I do if I didn't have to worry about money?" and seeing if that's the same thing that makes one of them money. Jason would probably still code and play with computers, although probably not quite as time-intensive as what he would do with a job. But he's not going to do something he hates doing just to support me. I guess that if THAT were the case, I'd feel super-bad. But as long as it's not, I shouldn't worry.

Especially since part of loving someone is wanting to see them happy (because it makes YOU happy) and me having time to do music and dance and stuff would make me happy. :)

[ex-dervish821.livejournal.com]

no no, i meant contributing financially.

[tinder.livejournal.com]

I don't think of myself as "supporting" Rachel. As a married couple, I perceive everything as a two-headed sort of creature, not as two distinct entities. Yes, we have our own personalities and whatnot, but when it comes down to doing battle with the Big Bad World, I see us as some sort of Voltronish thing. We are a team with team goals and team assignments ... the logical distribution of responsibility is for me to "go to work" and produce money (because currently it is more readily available an option for me), which frees up time for Rachel to handle things like paying bills, grocery shopping, and such. Neither one of us could enjoy such a lifestyle by doing both halves ourselves, and frankly neither one of us wants to try. Add in the fact that we enjoy each others company, and desire to see each other happy, and the "support" question becomes almost a non-issue.

Maybe that's just me, or maybe that's just men. Any rebuttals?

[juldea.livejournal.com]

Oh!
That makes more sense. Er, more sense than you thinking I'll be upset if you don't comment.

Once again, you're someone I don't think should worry about that. I guess it's universal though...

[juldea.livejournal.com]

And maybe that's exactly what I wanted to hear. :)

[tinder.livejournal.com]

As a caveat though, it is important to have causality all straightened out beforehand.

Don't let the simplicity, comfort, and security of being a 'homekeeper' or whatever you want to call it end up being a determining factor in your decision. Don't move in with somebody who will pay your pills, etc because it is easy. To spin the table on an earlier statement you made: Would you still stay home and do this person's laundry/dishes/etc if you had a jillion dollars? Only let them house you and feed you if you answer yes to that one. Be a cat, not a dog. :)

[juldea.livejournal.com]

Heh, if I had a jillian dollars, I would still want to live with jason (if we're going with this example, which I suppose we should), and wouldn't mind cooking, shopping for groceries, doing dishes and laundry at least. Other cleaning probably not a problem either. :) However, I would only be okay with those things as long as I still had time to pursue my other interests as well. I don't see a conflict in that yet, so it's seeming like the best option at the moment... not like it's going to happen at the moment, I'm just getting all weird and planny.

[ex-dervish821.livejournal.com]

me too. :)

[ex-dervish821.livejournal.com]

nicely put. this is the sort of response to julia's post i was hoping to make, but didn't. :)