The Brass Player's Heirarchy

I found this in my old files.

The French Horn:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to god

The Trumpet:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with god

The Trombone:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with god if a special request is approved

The Bass Trombone:
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by god

The Baritone:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals

The Cornet:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to wals

The Flugelhorn:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says, "Look at the choo-choo!"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

The Tuba:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
Is god


I didn't write that - I was given it the way it is :)

The Brass Player's Heirarchy

I found this in my old files.

The French Horn:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to god

The Trumpet:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with god

The Trombone:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with god if a special request is approved

The Bass Trombone:
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by god

The Baritone:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals

The Cornet:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to wals

The Flugelhorn:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says, "Look at the choo-choo!"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

The Tuba:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
Is god


I didn't write that - I was given it the way it is :)

Brag of the Female Subgenious

I found this in my files, too. I copied it out of the Book of the Subgenious. The italics and boldface are exactly as shown.

[except, by Magistra Batrix/Magus Coyote]
(channeled in a sexy contralto, with interjected purrs, moans, sighs, etc.)
I'm the Infrared Woman! I've got the Beast of the Abyss between my legs! I make the Virgin Mary look like the Grand Canyon! You can run deep, but with me you can't run silent! I'll make you howl so loud, they'll be green-eyed on the Moon! The New Age was invented just for me - I wore the old one out! I shocked Aleister Crowley and made the last ten Popes give up their vows! Who do you think Sappho wrote all those poems to? I'm so gooood, I made the Great Stone Face come three times - and he doesn't even exist from the next down! I make Linda Lovelace look like a store-window dummy with lockjaw! Come on and give me AIDS, baby - I'll recombine it with my own E. Coli plastids and turn it into venereal mescaline! I sweat nectar and menstruate ambrosia, I pee milk and honey, and I shit Cakes of Light! When I take off my clothes, fist-fights break out all over Mount Olympus! I've got more swing in my hips than the San Francisco earthquake! When I'm in heat, dogs, cats, wolves, bears, randy goats, 12-point bucks, pterodactyls, and swallow-tail butterflies come from miles around for a try at me! I do it with basilisks! Frodo beat the shit out of Dopey, Sneezy, and Doc just so he could get into my flower garden! I never pay taxes - the government pays me to wear out the work force! I don't charge money for it, honey - I charge Slack! When they call me a bitch, I just bark right back at 'em! I created Time Control, darlin' - if you've got five minutes, I'll give you an Aeon of sheer ecstasy! Nuclear power plants hide in shame when I go by! I'm the reason Cuban Supermen were invented! I fucked the devil into Heaven, and Saint Peter into Hell! I took on the Flaming Sword of the Archangel Michael, and put it out! The Fightin' Jesus gave up fighting to have one more go with me! I made The Blob get hard as a rock, thick as a brick, and stiff as steel! You heard the Xists are coming? Well, I'm the reason. I'm so hot, I fart pure ambergris and piss champagne! I made the Bad "Bob" say "Please" and "Thank you!" I made an honest man out of Richard Nixon! I'm the reason Elvis is God! I blow the tops out of thermometers! I make taxi-meters run backwards! Come on up and see me sometime, sweetheart, and I'll show you a Naked Singularity! I put the "collapse" in collapsars! I give green stamps! I don't shave under my arems - I mow... when I don't braid! I left my nectar on the Washington Monument and douched with the Mississippi River! I don't catch crabs - I catch mountain lions! So step aside, all you slab-sided, prune-faced, whey-fleshed, dishrag-cunnied, androphobic, gynophobic, sarcephobic, biophobic, paint-covered, latex-bound beehive-hairdo'ed, pinch-browed, antiseptic, chemical-stenched, stilt-heeled, pucker-butted gunnysacks of weasel-jerky! I fold, staple, splindle, and mutilate whole bureaucracies! I don't just holler and yell - I break windows and shatter chandeliers twenty counties upwind when I start feeling good! I have Senators for familiars! I don't have just the Evil Eye, I've got Evil in places you've never even heard of! I put the "Mo" in "Mojo" - and then took it out again! When I pass by, geldings turn back into stallions and steers go after locomotives! I'm the reason that being bad feels soooo gooood... I'm quadruple-jointed! I make octopi look arthritic! Men pay to catch VD from me! I don't get zits; I break out in bon-bons and eclairs! I leak Elixir Vital by the gallon! I straightened Uri Geller's tool with my ESP, and stroked off the Dalai Lama with one idle thought! When I bad my eyelashes, monks spew away their last chances at Heaven! Nuns and junkies give up their habits for me! I drove the Whore of Babylon out of business! Astarte invented aphrodisiacs just to keep up with me! I am a mink in heat, I am a Tyrannosaurus regina on the make, I make Jaws look like a small-mouthed bass! A Black Hole is convex compared to me, and once you try me, you'll think the Big Bang is nothing but a wet firecracker! I bend in places where most women don't even have places! I am a walking, talking, strutting, balling volcano! I pre-empted Our Lady of Fatima! UFOs fight to see which one gets to have a Close Encounter with me! You think you're Illuminated! I make thermonuclear blasts look like the inside of a darkroom! The Buddha traded in Nirvana for me! I made Dirac, Pauli, and Einstein get physical! They had to invent non-Euclidean geometry to describe my cuves! Where do you think the camel got his hump? I'm the reason for the billy-goat's Horn! I'm the one who fucks 'em when they can't take a joke - and makes 'em smile again! I'm so weird, Discordians join the Republican Party in sheer self-defense! I'm the the Queen of Heaven, the Dark Lady of Space, the Lovely Black Star of the Sea! I'm on cave walls, in the Temple of Karnak, on the walls of Pompei and the Cathedral of Notre Dame! I'm in the Prescriptures! Jehovah-1 burns incense to me! I'm... [film breaks]

Brag of the Female Subgenious

I found this in my files, too. I copied it out of the Book of the Subgenious. The italics and boldface are exactly as shown.

[except, by Magistra Batrix/Magus Coyote]
(channeled in a sexy contralto, with interjected purrs, moans, sighs, etc.)
I'm the Infrared Woman! I've got the Beast of the Abyss between my legs! I make the Virgin Mary look like the Grand Canyon! You can run deep, but with me you can't run silent! I'll make you howl so loud, they'll be green-eyed on the Moon! The New Age was invented just for me - I wore the old one out! I shocked Aleister Crowley and made the last ten Popes give up their vows! Who do you think Sappho wrote all those poems to? I'm so gooood, I made the Great Stone Face come three times - and he doesn't even exist from the next down! I make Linda Lovelace look like a store-window dummy with lockjaw! Come on and give me AIDS, baby - I'll recombine it with my own E. Coli plastids and turn it into venereal mescaline! I sweat nectar and menstruate ambrosia, I pee milk and honey, and I shit Cakes of Light! When I take off my clothes, fist-fights break out all over Mount Olympus! I've got more swing in my hips than the San Francisco earthquake! When I'm in heat, dogs, cats, wolves, bears, randy goats, 12-point bucks, pterodactyls, and swallow-tail butterflies come from miles around for a try at me! I do it with basilisks! Frodo beat the shit out of Dopey, Sneezy, and Doc just so he could get into my flower garden! I never pay taxes - the government pays me to wear out the work force! I don't charge money for it, honey - I charge Slack! When they call me a bitch, I just bark right back at 'em! I created Time Control, darlin' - if you've got five minutes, I'll give you an Aeon of sheer ecstasy! Nuclear power plants hide in shame when I go by! I'm the reason Cuban Supermen were invented! I fucked the devil into Heaven, and Saint Peter into Hell! I took on the Flaming Sword of the Archangel Michael, and put it out! The Fightin' Jesus gave up fighting to have one more go with me! I made The Blob get hard as a rock, thick as a brick, and stiff as steel! You heard the Xists are coming? Well, I'm the reason. I'm so hot, I fart pure ambergris and piss champagne! I made the Bad "Bob" say "Please" and "Thank you!" I made an honest man out of Richard Nixon! I'm the reason Elvis is God! I blow the tops out of thermometers! I make taxi-meters run backwards! Come on up and see me sometime, sweetheart, and I'll show you a Naked Singularity! I put the "collapse" in collapsars! I give green stamps! I don't shave under my arems - I mow... when I don't braid! I left my nectar on the Washington Monument and douched with the Mississippi River! I don't catch crabs - I catch mountain lions! So step aside, all you slab-sided, prune-faced, whey-fleshed, dishrag-cunnied, androphobic, gynophobic, sarcephobic, biophobic, paint-covered, latex-bound beehive-hairdo'ed, pinch-browed, antiseptic, chemical-stenched, stilt-heeled, pucker-butted gunnysacks of weasel-jerky! I fold, staple, splindle, and mutilate whole bureaucracies! I don't just holler and yell - I break windows and shatter chandeliers twenty counties upwind when I start feeling good! I have Senators for familiars! I don't have just the Evil Eye, I've got Evil in places you've never even heard of! I put the "Mo" in "Mojo" - and then took it out again! When I pass by, geldings turn back into stallions and steers go after locomotives! I'm the reason that being bad feels soooo gooood... I'm quadruple-jointed! I make octopi look arthritic! Men pay to catch VD from me! I don't get zits; I break out in bon-bons and eclairs! I leak Elixir Vital by the gallon! I straightened Uri Geller's tool with my ESP, and stroked off the Dalai Lama with one idle thought! When I bad my eyelashes, monks spew away their last chances at Heaven! Nuns and junkies give up their habits for me! I drove the Whore of Babylon out of business! Astarte invented aphrodisiacs just to keep up with me! I am a mink in heat, I am a Tyrannosaurus regina on the make, I make Jaws look like a small-mouthed bass! A Black Hole is convex compared to me, and once you try me, you'll think the Big Bang is nothing but a wet firecracker! I bend in places where most women don't even have places! I am a walking, talking, strutting, balling volcano! I pre-empted Our Lady of Fatima! UFOs fight to see which one gets to have a Close Encounter with me! You think you're Illuminated! I make thermonuclear blasts look like the inside of a darkroom! The Buddha traded in Nirvana for me! I made Dirac, Pauli, and Einstein get physical! They had to invent non-Euclidean geometry to describe my cuves! Where do you think the camel got his hump? I'm the reason for the billy-goat's Horn! I'm the one who fucks 'em when they can't take a joke - and makes 'em smile again! I'm so weird, Discordians join the Republican Party in sheer self-defense! I'm the the Queen of Heaven, the Dark Lady of Space, the Lovely Black Star of the Sea! I'm on cave walls, in the Temple of Karnak, on the walls of Pompei and the Cathedral of Notre Dame! I'm in the Prescriptures! Jehovah-1 burns incense to me! I'm... [film breaks]

shop-o-holic

Pixel threw up :( Luckily, I was right there when it happened and cleaned it up rather quickly. I hope she didn't lick pine sol or something...

Jason says he wants to get me something else for Christmas - he got me a very pretty bracelet, but he wants to get something "more substantial than a sparkly" (silly couple talk). So I think, ooh... I want big pants! Large leg openings!

Those are freaking hard to find these days. Erg. I have to shop online, because Jason will have to order them for me. I've spent several hours now, and just FINALLY found a really good site - Bwild.com. Actually I got there from going buggirl.com, I guess that's the official online site for sellign Buggirl clothes? Anyway, I spend hours looking, and of course the only two things that really catch my eye (1 2) aren't $35... they're $60. I don't want Jason to spend that much money on me.

They have a lot of good body jewelry, too.

Grumble. Well, since I'm shopping, I should search for green jeans, men's 34/34 ;)

shop-o-holic

Pixel threw up :( Luckily, I was right there when it happened and cleaned it up rather quickly. I hope she didn't lick pine sol or something...

Jason says he wants to get me something else for Christmas - he got me a very pretty bracelet, but he wants to get something "more substantial than a sparkly" (silly couple talk). So I think, ooh... I want big pants! Large leg openings!

Those are freaking hard to find these days. Erg. I have to shop online, because Jason will have to order them for me. I've spent several hours now, and just FINALLY found a really good site - Bwild.com. Actually I got there from going buggirl.com, I guess that's the official online site for sellign Buggirl clothes? Anyway, I spend hours looking, and of course the only two things that really catch my eye (1 2) aren't $35... they're $60. I don't want Jason to spend that much money on me.

They have a lot of good body jewelry, too.

Grumble. Well, since I'm shopping, I should search for green jeans, men's 34/34 ;)

Wish I may, wish I might...

I majorly rehauled my wishlist. Changed the format a little, added quite a few new things. Check it out to see what I crave.

Wish I may, wish I might...

I majorly rehauled my wishlist. Changed the format a little, added quite a few new things. Check it out to see what I crave.

oops

I already mentioned that Pixel threw up. Well, the mess I found was 1) near goldbug's desk on the tile and 2) near the food dishes on the carpet. I cleaned both of those up. When goldbug woke up and was walking around, she asked me if someone had spilled something on the carpet or if someone had thrown up. I said Pixel threw up, but I had cleaned it up. Just now I walked into the kitchen and saw another batch on the rug in the kitchen. So now I don't know if goldbug had stepped in the clean wet patch on the rug and that is why she mentioned it, or if she saw the rug in the kitchen and thought I was full of shit when I said I cleaned it up. Either way, the rug is in the dirty laundry now - since I didn't get to it early, I can't clean it up with a paper towel and soapy water.

oops

I already mentioned that Pixel threw up. Well, the mess I found was 1) near goldbug's desk on the tile and 2) near the food dishes on the carpet. I cleaned both of those up. When goldbug woke up and was walking around, she asked me if someone had spilled something on the carpet or if someone had thrown up. I said Pixel threw up, but I had cleaned it up. Just now I walked into the kitchen and saw another batch on the rug in the kitchen. So now I don't know if goldbug had stepped in the clean wet patch on the rug and that is why she mentioned it, or if she saw the rug in the kitchen and thought I was full of shit when I said I cleaned it up. Either way, the rug is in the dirty laundry now - since I didn't get to it early, I can't clean it up with a paper towel and soapy water.

whee

Found a couple modified playstations (1 2) on half.com. About $100 each. Why do I go shopping when I don't have money? ;)

whee

Found a couple modified playstations (1 2) on half.com. About $100 each. Why do I go shopping when I don't have money? ;)