(no subject)

[juldea]

Livejournal.com won't open, but maybe I can update through Karen's LJ update program thingy.

I want Jason awake and talking to me. I want to be able to discuss things with him and hear his opinions and criticisms and ideas. When we're together, we can talk and talk about things. We used to be able to do that on the mud, too. We don't have the time anymore it seems.

I have decided that unless I reach a nice epiphany next spring/summer, I won't be going back to school. It's not giving me what I want, because I don't know what I want. I've gotta stir things up in my life and get out of this rut and figure some things out. So I'm just following my own plodding footsteps through classes I don't enjoy because I don't get any direction from them (or have any direction that takes me through them).

I envy goldbug's architecture finding. I hope the classes for it are actually enjoyable because it's something she really wants to do.

So the plan is: work. A lot of work during the spring, and then go to Boston and do a little bit of work and try to enjoy myself. Maybe I won't have enough money to go to London or Japan, but I'll try. And if I find myself enjoying my life more than ever, then at the beginning of fall I'll fly back to OKC, get a U-Haul, and officially move myself up to Boston.

How Gaea Spore fits into all of this, I don't know. Basically, the band is moving next summer without me in any case, and I think that's subtley influencing my feelings towards it and the feelings of the rest of the band towards my parts. I'm expendable, basically. I don't feel any resentment towards it, because it's the smartest thing for the band to do. But it makes me realize they can easily live without me, and that makes me less compelled towards moving there ASAP. It's still one of those nice things to happen in the future.... but...

It's funny. This road is actually a very large compromise. Really I think the best thing for me emotionally right now, a la Nick, would be to just completely upturn my life and make myself see things from a different point of view. Toss my stuff into a U-Haul and get my ass up to Boston, stay with Jen and Jim (nice mud people) while trying to find an apartment and a job, and start over.

However, in order to do that, I'd probably need to apply for and get 2 more credit cards with $1000+ limits, and max them out in the process. And I just don't think that will be good for me in the long run.

So, I'm going to go do a homework problem now.

Comments

[withlyn.livejournal.com]

I don't think we're making you expendable because you won't be there in California, at least from the start. That's pretty much true of Amar and Chase also. If we made all three of you expendable, we wouldn't have any real benefit for having you in the band. Instead, we're going to just end up having to rework everything again when we go to California. I actually consider you the most useful and dedicated (the two are closely tied together) new member. I'm not expecting that any of the three of you will move to California next summer, but there's a reasonable hope that you will come out sometime in the future. I think that when we move Chase will have to make a decision between us and Therogy, or who knows what else, and I expect we will not win. I'm okay with that. I like Chase, and I think he's a valuable addition to the band, but I don't think he really wants to be doing the same things Chris and I do. But really, that's his call. I don't think Amar is really set on being a musician. He's got lots of possible plans, and that's just one of them, and there's no way I'm going to expect him to choose it. If he does, I'm happy, but I'm not going to count on it. With all of you, really, there's not a lot we can do about it. We need more than three members, and so we've got to take what we can get. In this case, it's essentially temps. But I really don't think your parts are any more or less expendable than mine.

[cuttooth.livejournal.com]

Yeah, there's lots of things holding me in Norman for the time being. On the one hand, I don't want to be one of those people who always says "I'll travel and have adventures when ***** happens, or once I get *****." But on the other hand, I have to be a little practical about my decisions. I feel like I'll know the way to go when I'm actually AT the crossroads, but for now it looks like Oklahoma has won the toss yet again...

I really do like playing in Gaea Spore, and I have no intentions of leaving the band, but it seems like since "the band" is moving in a few months, it's kinda zapped everyone's drive. I don't really know how to fix that, but Thom seems to think that I should just be earlier to practice. He may be right, he has a really good point. But, with my 2nd job (as of yesterday) I won't be able to make it till 10 on Tues & Fri. Of course, this job is only temporary, so it's not THAT bad. Maybe we should just have a pep rally! I don't know, but I'll give it 100% (haven't in the past so much...I know) till you guys ACTUALLY leave. Seeya tonight

Re:

[juldea.livejournal.com]

I think a pep rally sounds fun :)

isn't that mainly what the New Year's party is? hehe

Hooray

[(Anonymous)]

Im really glad to see you making concrete decisions to actually change things. Stick to it and follow thru, you'll be glad you did. When I 'upturned' my life things actually went to shit for the first 6 months or so, i didnt think things could get worse than they were in sydney but i ended up less happy somehow. But, if I hadnt followed thru I would never have met amanda, who is positivly the best thing to ever happen to me.

C.

Re: Hooray

[juldea.livejournal.com]

hmm. gotta hit the bottom before you rise up?

Re: Hooray

[(Anonymous)]

Pretty much. As tyler durden said 'only after we have lost everything are we free to do anything'. Anyone who's had it happen to them knows its true and everyone else will disagree, but when you hit _rock_bottom_ you really find out what you are capable of. I discovered alot about myself i really wish i hadn't around that time, but you learn and you grow and now its justa nother aspect of my personality I try to put to th ebest use i can.

But im getting off track. the thing about the bottom is its very hard, and there are two things that can happen to a person. You can get to a point where you have nothing left to lose and you go hell bent at whatever youre doing, bounce back so to speak, or you can go splat, and give up. Dont go splat, I really really hope you follow thru, its not fun for me to watch you be so unhappy.

C.

Re: Hooray

[juldea.livejournal.com]

I can make many more fun noises than just "splat"

"splort"
"plish"

[tinder.livejournal.com]

Just a bit of warning:

If you do something like that, "a la Nick hehe," you will forever lose a sizable portion of the emotional, mental, and physical raw materials you have amassed and built things out of over your whole life. You'll be eternally damned to try to do more with less. You'll be much more skilled, and will build a much better foundation and such, but you'll have to compensate for all the things you don't have with sheer will. Some say to measure twice and cut once, vice measuring once and cutting twice. I never did measure and am still cutting. The problem is you can't cut the board longer.

I ask you this though: If you two (et Jason) don't have time for the level of contact you need now, do you really believe you'll have it when you're in Boston? If you think you're busy now, imagine trying to build a life from scratch without the benefits of being an infant and not needing a job.

I know you, though, and you will be successful. Send me an e-mail if you'd like :)

Love,
Nick