open definition - boyfriend/girlfriend

[juldea]

What's the definition of boyfriend/girlfriend?

I'd like quantity in response to this, even at expense of quality. If you can take the time to drop a comment, even if it's just one word, I'd appreciate it a lot. You don't even have to continue reading if you have a response right now and no time to continue - just drop me what you have and go do what you need to do.

To clarify: Most people, as far as I know, don't associate dating with being in love. Those states are independent from each other; they just happen to overlap in the right circumstances. Therefore, 'love' isn't part of the definition of dating.

If I take out that emotional tie completely, I get two (or more) people who enjoy each other's company, have some similar interests, care about each other's well-being and happiness... and engage in some kind of physical activity that society generally reserves for such relationships (whether it's just kissing or goes on to much more depends on the individual).

But... that's the definition of 'friends with benefits' (using the real-life definition (not the LJ definition) of friend). Friends enjoy each other's company, have some similar interests, and care about each other's well-being and happiness. And benefits are the physical activities that are generally reserved for boy/girlfriend-and-up relationships.

So what's the midpoint? What state stands between a 'friend with benefits' and, uh, a 'loved person'? What am I missing as part of the definition that, in your mind, makes the relationships different?

I imagine (because I've already thought of it, and one other person has already suggested it) that many people are going to say, "Exclusivity." But, well, in the polyamorous society that is Cambridge/Somerville and most of the groups I hang out with now, that's not an acceptible answer. Dating one person doesn't mean you can't date/'benefit from' another, to many people. Therefore it isn't a part of the definition - at least not if the definition is universal. Which I guess leads me to:

Special bonus question: Is this definition universal, or does each individual have to define it for him/herself?

Comments

Part 1

[siderea]

Secondly, though, I guess I should've been more clear in my question: I really am looking for how the interaction is defined for the couple, not necessarily how it defines them in society. I guess 'vast nameless no-man's land' is one way of defining it, if you're just as clueless as I am...

Basically. :) Let me give it another shot, and we'll see how we do.

You asked:

What's the definition of boyfriend/girlfriend?

If I take out that emotional tie completely, I get two (or more) people who enjoy each other's company, have some similar interests, care about each other's well-being and happiness... and engage in some kind of physical activity that society generally reserves for such relationships (whether it's just kissing or goes on to much more depends on the individual).

But... that's the definition of 'friends with benefits' (using the real-life definition (not the LJ definition) of friend). Friends enjoy each other's company, have some similar interests, and care about each other's well-being and happiness. And benefits are the physical activities that are generally reserved for boy/girlfriend-and-up relationships.

I think you missed some things in your breakdown of what bf/gf is. (I'm not so much talking about what I do/have done in my relationships but what I see people applying those terms to around me. I'm thinking anthropologically.)

I think that the difference between friend+ and bf/gf is that bf/gf has

* those social aspects I just described, the force of which in shaping the relationship between those two people is not to be underestimated, and

* presumed rules and expectations. As strange as this may sound, to my mind, the characteristic hallmark of a bf/gf relationship is not which particular expectations or rules the members presume accrue to bf/gf status, but that there are any such presumed rules at all.

Here's a random example. When people ask their bf/gfs to do favors for them, they often see those favors as due support, not as favors. For instance, I don't think I've ever seen someone say "I could ask my bf/gf to do that, but I don't want to ask another favor of them because I've asked for so many favors already this month." Contrariwise, people say that about their friends all the time. But that sort of "accounting" of favors, is considered polite in friendships and impolite in bf/gf relationships. It stems from a presumption that a bf/gf-ship is a proto-marriage, where the point is to be life partners; anything which looks like a reluctance to lean on the other looks un-marriage-like.

Really, the entire advice column industry thrives on the topic of "what are reasonable conduct expectations to have of one's bf/gf".

[continued]

Re: Part 1

[alexx-kay.livejournal.com]

I don't think I've ever seen someone say "I could ask my bf/gf to do that, but I don't want to ask another favor of them because I've asked for so many favors already this month."

I have. kestrell has some strong Issues about Independence. It took a long time for me to get her to accept favors at all, and she still occasionally exhibits reluctance in asking for them (with sentences similar to your hypothetical). On the other hand, I saw this as inappropriate behavior, and worked hard to change it, which tends to support your thesis.

Re: Part 1

[juldea.livejournal.com]

So it's been two weeks since I posted this and these comments have been sitting in my inbox waiting for me to spend the time thinking about them and replying. I hope you don't mind me resurrecting the thread :)

I do see how my original dismissal of your 'social forces' post was hasty. You're right in that the members of such a relationship will think of themselves differently given how others treat them. Even if you dislike the social trend of grouping people as couples, it is so prevalent that it affects how you as a couple act in social situations. If nothing else, it adds to the bf/gf definition, "...is the person who will assumedly accompany me to social events." Heh.

Re: expectations. You said:

the characteristic hallmark of a bf/gf relationship is not which particular expectations or rules the members presume accrue to bf/gf status, but that there are any such presumed rules at all.

However, doesn't the unstated rule between friends that there are no such expectations fall under this category as well? Compare it to:

the characteristic hallmark of a friendship is not which particular expectations or rules the members presume accrue to friend status, but that there are any such presumed rules at all.