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juldeaThis is a continuation of a comment that I left to Brendan's last post.
I've always had a supressed desire to be a part of Gaea Spore. I mean, come on, I think it's easy to understand. Good friends of mine that are really neat people, very creative, playing good music, and seem to have a very positive future ahead for them. However, I never got the feeling that I'd ever be welcome as a member (it's one of those instances where I won't assume anything unless I were invited, like parties), and the schedules and goals I have for myself and the next couple of years don't really include things like being a member of a band. Sure I could show up for Friday night rehearsals and stuff on the weekends... But boy that would leave me with very little free time.
I think Time really is the issue with me. I need time for a lot of things. At times I want to cry because I miss making music so much - when I first heard that my grandmother was getting someone's small house-sized organ and wouldn't want my piano in her living room anymore (and I had free room to have it in MY apartment), I did cry. Now the problem is how to get it. And getting a horn from everyone for my birthday was just such a great present and great event in my life (I can recall a picture in my head a very few times in my life, but that is one of them). But I'm impatient, and I don't just want to be able to play well, I want to play well now. That takes practice time that I don't have. I could have it, but I would need some place to practice at 10pm at night... I doubt my neighbors would welcome horn noises that late. And I've retained a phobia of practicing when people are actually listening. I even found it hard to practice horn with just Rachel in the apartment, even when she was busy doing something else. I feel like after playing it for such a long time, I should be able to pick it up and be at least good... even if I only pick it up once every few months. It's one of those caring-what-other-people-think things that I just can't shake. I mention how I played horn from 6th-12th grade and then pick one up and can't produce a tone. Or how I played piano from age 5 to age 19 and can't think of a thing to play when I get to sitting down at one.
I know I've mentioned before how long I played piano. And there were times when GS or SI people were talking about needing piano things, in my presence. And no one ever asked me if I wanted to do it. Part of me would climb over bodies to have a chance to play again, and the other part says that since I've built myself up as this person who's played for so long and won so many awards on the damn thing, if I fuck it up I'll just be making myself look like a fool.
So this has ended up not really being a post about Teddyville, but more of a post on my feelings about my personal musical experiences in Norman. Which is why it's a post and not a comment (although it started off as a comment).
I miss making music. I miss having the chance to write music, which I never did (much like writing dance choreography... I need to find the right way to break through the mental block). I wish that there were enough time in a day to organize all my priorities. I wish the OU marching band would have rehearsals in the morning and not at 4 in the afternoon, so I could join again. I wish I didn't feel so much anxiety over practicing around people. I wish people would call me and say, "We're practicing music, wanna come join us?" and I wish someone would say, "No, you have slide positions wrong, 3rd position is here and it plays an A".
And I wonder why I'm crying.
I really have apprehensions about posting this. I generally don't have a problem talking to my friends about my eccentricities and difficulties, but for some reason I've never felt like anyone wanted to hear any of this, or cared. Or would be able to respond without insulting me. Or something. But I guess I'm so bored and tired at work that Brendan's post just set me off.
But now it's time to go home from work.
I've always had a supressed desire to be a part of Gaea Spore. I mean, come on, I think it's easy to understand. Good friends of mine that are really neat people, very creative, playing good music, and seem to have a very positive future ahead for them. However, I never got the feeling that I'd ever be welcome as a member (it's one of those instances where I won't assume anything unless I were invited, like parties), and the schedules and goals I have for myself and the next couple of years don't really include things like being a member of a band. Sure I could show up for Friday night rehearsals and stuff on the weekends... But boy that would leave me with very little free time.
I think Time really is the issue with me. I need time for a lot of things. At times I want to cry because I miss making music so much - when I first heard that my grandmother was getting someone's small house-sized organ and wouldn't want my piano in her living room anymore (and I had free room to have it in MY apartment), I did cry. Now the problem is how to get it. And getting a horn from everyone for my birthday was just such a great present and great event in my life (I can recall a picture in my head a very few times in my life, but that is one of them). But I'm impatient, and I don't just want to be able to play well, I want to play well now. That takes practice time that I don't have. I could have it, but I would need some place to practice at 10pm at night... I doubt my neighbors would welcome horn noises that late. And I've retained a phobia of practicing when people are actually listening. I even found it hard to practice horn with just Rachel in the apartment, even when she was busy doing something else. I feel like after playing it for such a long time, I should be able to pick it up and be at least good... even if I only pick it up once every few months. It's one of those caring-what-other-people-think things that I just can't shake. I mention how I played horn from 6th-12th grade and then pick one up and can't produce a tone. Or how I played piano from age 5 to age 19 and can't think of a thing to play when I get to sitting down at one.
I know I've mentioned before how long I played piano. And there were times when GS or SI people were talking about needing piano things, in my presence. And no one ever asked me if I wanted to do it. Part of me would climb over bodies to have a chance to play again, and the other part says that since I've built myself up as this person who's played for so long and won so many awards on the damn thing, if I fuck it up I'll just be making myself look like a fool.
So this has ended up not really being a post about Teddyville, but more of a post on my feelings about my personal musical experiences in Norman. Which is why it's a post and not a comment (although it started off as a comment).
I miss making music. I miss having the chance to write music, which I never did (much like writing dance choreography... I need to find the right way to break through the mental block). I wish that there were enough time in a day to organize all my priorities. I wish the OU marching band would have rehearsals in the morning and not at 4 in the afternoon, so I could join again. I wish I didn't feel so much anxiety over practicing around people. I wish people would call me and say, "We're practicing music, wanna come join us?" and I wish someone would say, "No, you have slide positions wrong, 3rd position is here and it plays an A".
And I wonder why I'm crying.
I really have apprehensions about posting this. I generally don't have a problem talking to my friends about my eccentricities and difficulties, but for some reason I've never felt like anyone wanted to hear any of this, or cared. Or would be able to respond without insulting me. Or something. But I guess I'm so bored and tired at work that Brendan's post just set me off.
But now it's time to go home from work.
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on 22 Aug 2001 14:18 (UTC)Re:
on 22 Aug 2001 14:24 (UTC)Re:
on 22 Aug 2001 14:29 (UTC)Re:
on 22 Aug 2001 14:28 (UTC)