seriousness
23 June 2003 02:10![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
juldeaHello, freight train of emotion.
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tinder stayed over last night. Er, I guess not all of you know us, so let me clarify that when I say "stay the night" there's nothing romantic or sexual involved. He's one of my closest, best friends, and I do love him to death. For those reasons he spent the night in my bed and we cuddled, but it was all platonic and clothed and stuff.
However.
Jason and Nick are built very similarly, especially in the upper torso region. I was drifting in and out of sleep, my head on Nick's shoulder, and suddenly it was Jason's shoulder, and Jason's stubble scratching my forehead...
and I just plain broke down.
It never completely clears up. Sometimes I seem to have insight into what I want, but then something comes along to confuse me again.
I have discovered many things about my personality and desires in the past few months. What I like to do, what kind of life I like to lead. And much of that life is not, as far as I know, compatible with the type of life Jason likes to lead. But... I'm just talking hobbies and leisure time, here. Is it important that we won't always be wanting to do the same exact thing? To say so seems incredibly stupid. We do have separate lives. We can do different things. I can go out clubbing while he stays at home to play DAOC, or whatever.
It just gets so confusing. And time is running out. August 1 is in less than 6 weeks.
What to do...
tinder stayed over last night. Er, I guess not all of you know us, so let me clarify that when I say "stay the night" there's nothing romantic or sexual involved. He's one of my closest, best friends, and I do love him to death. For those reasons he spent the night in my bed and we cuddled, but it was all platonic and clothed and stuff.However.
Jason and Nick are built very similarly, especially in the upper torso region. I was drifting in and out of sleep, my head on Nick's shoulder, and suddenly it was Jason's shoulder, and Jason's stubble scratching my forehead...
and I just plain broke down.
It never completely clears up. Sometimes I seem to have insight into what I want, but then something comes along to confuse me again.
I have discovered many things about my personality and desires in the past few months. What I like to do, what kind of life I like to lead. And much of that life is not, as far as I know, compatible with the type of life Jason likes to lead. But... I'm just talking hobbies and leisure time, here. Is it important that we won't always be wanting to do the same exact thing? To say so seems incredibly stupid. We do have separate lives. We can do different things. I can go out clubbing while he stays at home to play DAOC, or whatever.
It just gets so confusing. And time is running out. August 1 is in less than 6 weeks.
What to do...
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Re:
on 23 Jun 2003 18:28 (UTC)I'm aware that the only way I can know for sure is to go there and try it. But there are so many "what if"s, especially the "what if I hurt him again", that make it a really scary decision.
*sigh*