queries

[juldea]

While at Tiffany's on Thursday, she passed along some insight that one of her professors has shared with the class:

There is no completely 'right' feeling.

There are many ways to tell if something is wrong. Aside from the larger fear/guilt/anger emotions, there are also just little twinges you can feel that tell you if something is wrong. We all know them, I would say.

But there's no real 'right' feeling, as much as we look for it, the feeling that this is the completely right thing to do and I have no worries or problems with it.

So, if this is true, I could be freaking out for the wrong reason. As my graduation draws nigh, I have been freaking out because Jason's and my relationship wasn't perfect, that I could feel nagging doubts telling me it could go wrong, that there would be stuff we'd have to seriously work at to make things come out right. And this bothered me, because I thought that I shouldn't strive for something if it's not perfect.

Am I being stupid about that? Am I never going to feel a completely 'right' feeling about such a large decision as who to spend my life with? Should I work against my nagging doubts rather than accept them, and to what degree?

Older/wiser/married people comment, please... ;)

Comments

[zenandtheart.livejournal.com]

Well, I fit into the 'older' category;)
When I read you quote I thought 'yeah! that's so right!'. I am quite frequently having little doubts about Corch and I, (like whether I can stand listening to him chew with his mouth open forever;)) but I have so many more moments where I think that we click in so many important ways, too. I don't think any two people are ever perfect for each other. No matter who you're with there are going to be things that need work, and much bigger things than masticating noises. I can think of several big issues that we're going to go through, and things we have gone through.. But we're happy at least 90% of the time, and my bottom limit is %70 so I figure we're ok. We also have a lot of long term goals in common, and to me that is really important - especially as I get older.
The longer you've been with someone the harder is is to let go, too...I don't know. I had a LOT of trouble breaking up with my first boyfriend because he wasn't a bad person, he didn't do anything wrong - in fact quite the opposite. But our relationship got dull. that seemed like a pathetic reason to break up with someone but my 'wrong feeling' about being together was really strong. I think the strength of that feeling is a good judge. Give yourself lots of time to think things (and talk things) through.

My two cents.. feel free to ignore:)

[ex-dervish821.livejournal.com]

well, like amanda said, there are always little things. if they get unbearably annoying sometimes in the long-term, going for a walk works well. ;)

seriously though, things are weird with a long-distance relationship. the daily habits might not get you as much, but the bigger things are harder to keep going. fires of love, or whatever you might call them.

i can't imagine any realist person thinking their relationship is perfect, at least for long. in my experience, there are ups and downs, by which i mean up = i'm deliriously happy with you and can't imagine not being with you forever, and down = what the hell am i doing? let me off this train!

after a few of those cycles, i'm to the point where, during a down time, i can mostly look at it and see it as just a part of the cycle of our marriage. damn, we're not getting along very well right now. what can we do to get through this and back to happier times?

that said, there are problems that could crop up that would necessitate more than time and effort. in my experience, those could be big problems, or they could be the buildup of months or years of little problems. i guess what you have to do is realize which down times are which -- to be worked through, or to use as a reassessment point in the relationship.

(please note, i consider myself married, and (barely!) older, but that's it!)

[ratbastrd.livejournal.com]

There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. This might sound kind of mercenary, but every relationship really comes down to a sort of cost-benefit analysis : IS the good I get out of this relationship enough to offset the time and effort put into it to make it work. They all take effort, and no relationship will ever be 100% stress-free and totally right without effort. Any time I thought I was in a relationship like that in the past, it ended up blowing up horribly, because there was always something going on in the background that we were refusing to look at or deal with.

Any relationshp can go wrong, there are no guarantees. How does he make you feel, and is it worth the effort to make each other happy?

[ex-dervish821.livejournal.com]

i completely agree ewith the cost-benefit analysis. ;)

[ex-sleek838.livejournal.com]

there is no solution to every problem. all relationships have problems. i think it all boils down to communication and being able to talk things out with each other. concerns or other things need to be discussed instead of letting them fester. i know i've made that mistake before several times. and it sucks. plain and simple.

[shadowhawke.livejournal.com]

I tend to disagree with the no *right* feeling. When John and I got married, I truly felt, 100% truly and honestly, that this was the right thing (two years later and I still feel the same). I just knew then that whatever the future brings, we could handle it - together. That doesn't mean that our relationship is 100% perfect, I think the cost/benefit analysis is right on. It comes down to what you can and cannot tolerate about each other, and that is a personal decision. But there is a *right* feeling.

[caltren.livejournal.com]

Hrm. There's not much to say that hasn't been said. Just a few things:

1. There is a "right" feeling. But imho, sometimes we can distract ourselves, or let things cloud our vision. It's a question of perspective, and whether or not we're truly ready to have that kinda connection/commitment in our lives. When that happens, and assuming it's the right person, the 'little twinges' won't mean anything.

2. Relationships require constant earnest care. It's a 'labour of love', and rewarding, and worth every ounce of energy spent. They're never perfect--nothing is. Don't worry about the imperfections, but whether or not that which is right in the relationship is truly right.

3. IMHO you need three things for a marriage to work. Or a relationship, or whatever. The 3 Ls:
- Love: You have to love the SO. More than any other. Intensely. Deeply.
- Like: You have to like them--you can love someone without overly liking them (read: bestest friend).
- Lust: It's a marriage/relationship, not just a friendship
The rest... Communication, Respect, Sensitivity come with having the 3 Ls. Communication is probably the most important. It's not about having everything in common, but just talking everything out.

Well, I can't say anything about Jason and you. Maybe you might not have communicated, and have had things happen, and naturally separated slowly. Not for me to say. Only for you two to work out.

However, I will also say that graduation is a hugely stressful time, and perhaps that's got something to do with it. Lots of decisions, dunno necessarily where you're going, let alone where you want to settle down.

Anyway, I've typed myself out and I'm half asleep anyway. Hope there was something useful in there.

Re:

[juldea.livejournal.com]

Is this Andrew? If so, you've told me about the 3 L's before. ;)

Re:

[caltren.livejournal.com]

Who?

Re:

[juldea.livejournal.com]

'k, guess not ;)