odd insecurities
20 June 2002 02:07![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
juldeaI have been feeling an ever-growing sense of inadequacy as more and more of my closest friends keep livejournals that are highly read and commented to. I feel threatened both by the journals of my friends and by the comments of others to them.
At the times I post, I feel like I am writing about things that might interest friends of mine. Even a few minutes later, though, I realize that the record of the events of my life are not that interesting to many people except myself, and even then only for the sake of reference. I'm sure it doesn't matter much to you what aerobics class I didn't attend today, or whether or not I saw Jason and what I did at his house. This is probably why I feel barren of comments - what is there to comment on?
The posts of some of my closest, oldest friends include content that does interest people, and it is shown in the number of comments they receive that discuss this content. I never skim over these posts (unless they refer to regional events), they always have some kind of interesting subject to read about.
The sad fact is, even after reading these good posts, I find that I can't summon a relevant comment to continue the discussion. I read comments that others leave and marvel that these people are holding conversations with my closest friends that I should be having. I'm jealous, actually. It's hard to think of someone as one of my best friends ever and then realize that we hardly ever talk, mostly because I feel inadequate during those intervening spaces (when we are communicating, however, that feeling goes away).
Are these just the ravings of a sleepy, lonely person several thousand miles away from most of what she knows well? Should I be re-evaluating my conception of what my livejournal is used for? What if, in doing so, I find myself bereft of anything to write about... meaning that I am wandering through the day-to-day tasks of living, not engaging my brain in any enriching activities?
At the times I post, I feel like I am writing about things that might interest friends of mine. Even a few minutes later, though, I realize that the record of the events of my life are not that interesting to many people except myself, and even then only for the sake of reference. I'm sure it doesn't matter much to you what aerobics class I didn't attend today, or whether or not I saw Jason and what I did at his house. This is probably why I feel barren of comments - what is there to comment on?
The posts of some of my closest, oldest friends include content that does interest people, and it is shown in the number of comments they receive that discuss this content. I never skim over these posts (unless they refer to regional events), they always have some kind of interesting subject to read about.
The sad fact is, even after reading these good posts, I find that I can't summon a relevant comment to continue the discussion. I read comments that others leave and marvel that these people are holding conversations with my closest friends that I should be having. I'm jealous, actually. It's hard to think of someone as one of my best friends ever and then realize that we hardly ever talk, mostly because I feel inadequate during those intervening spaces (when we are communicating, however, that feeling goes away).
Are these just the ravings of a sleepy, lonely person several thousand miles away from most of what she knows well? Should I be re-evaluating my conception of what my livejournal is used for? What if, in doing so, I find myself bereft of anything to write about... meaning that I am wandering through the day-to-day tasks of living, not engaging my brain in any enriching activities?
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no subject
on 20 Jun 2002 04:47 (UTC)"Stupid Shit" (tm)
I think your problem is that whenever you go to post something, you try to post something relevant, thoughtful, and important. If I tried to do that, my livejournal would have about two entries. As you can plainly see, I fill in the rest of the space in my journal with "Stupid Shit" (tm).
Take a look at my previous posts...
Yep, 90% "Stupid Shit" (tm), and about 50% of that is just lame references to playing Pac-Man...
The other issue, and this is only a guess, is that you don't have as much to bitch about right now. From what I see in your posts, your schedule is less hectic han before, your job less stressful, and you're living close to the boyfriend you've only gotten to see a handful of times during the whole time you've known him... Perhaps you're feeling content for once, and this is just a side effect, since a large majority of all LiveJournal entries are posts from people venting annoyance or seeking advice... Only a wild guess though.
In fact, forget all of that crap. Just stick with the first thing I said... Y'know, the bit about playing more Pac-Man. That sounds like a plan to me.
no subject
on 20 Jun 2002 05:51 (UTC)no subject
on 20 Jun 2002 06:24 (UTC)no subject
on 20 Jun 2002 07:07 (UTC)I keep this journal not only so that my friends in far-away places can easily keep up with what is going on in my life, but also that they have a place to communicate with me even if I'm not around at that very moment. That doesn't quite seem to be working, though. I'd say that there's something in immediate-response commmunication that obviously doesn't end up in LJ, but I've seen it work through email - what's the difference?
This leads to thoughts about whether or not any interesting discussions (further than "I did this and this and this today") would even arise in real-human-contact if it weren't for the deeper delvings of my friends. It seems I can't initiate much beyond the mundane. =P
Re: "Stupid Shit" (tm)
on 20 Jun 2002 07:11 (UTC)As for the PacMan, I don't have $20 to spend. :( I do, however, have DDR set up in my room now, so I'll just play a few hours of that tonight to ease my mind.
Oh, and I think I have quite enough to bitch about :) A less hectic and stressful job is pretty directly correlated to a lower income, and I need to pay OFF the credit cards. Blah!
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on 20 Jun 2002 07:11 (UTC)Re:
on 20 Jun 2002 07:18 (UTC)I don't know about the therapy thing (you did spell it right, as far as I know). For example, writing about the whole Bernice situation just made me feel bad about it all over again. I know in some situations it makes me feel better, but I much prefer being next to you (or another good friend) and pouring my guts out one-on-one.
Re: "Stupid Shit" (tm)
on 20 Jun 2002 08:54 (UTC)Noooooo! Not DDR! NOoooooo!
no subject
on 20 Jun 2002 09:22 (UTC)LJ isn't a contest, it isn't a popularity thing of who has the most friends and most comments, it's a connection and a record and a conversation. It's telling stories. You're still being read, just not necesarrily responded to. It's not a snub. You're my lj princess, anyways.
ex: what can I say to your frustrations to not knowing your way around boston that doesn't sound petty and silly? "gee, I hate being lost in cities I don't know. It sucks a lot." That goes without saying, I think, most of the time...don't feel so insecure, honey!
no subject
on 20 Jun 2002 10:11 (UTC)i know i post in my LJ to keep my friends updated since i'm really slow in responding to emails.
Re: "Stupid Shit" (tm)
on 20 Jun 2002 11:28 (UTC)Re:
on 20 Jun 2002 11:30 (UTC)This whole comment of yours made me feel much better. Thanks, Elise!
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on 20 Jun 2002 11:34 (UTC)I will try more to comment to you now, hehe!
no subject
on 20 Jun 2002 14:53 (UTC)I can't much relate. You're not a boring person, i know. :P
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on 20 Jun 2002 15:08 (UTC)Hmm, but will you take it as an insult if I say that you don't post on your LJ because you're a boring person? ;)
That's not really it, but there's a limited number of people who would be interested in hearing about how you powerleveled Buffo in Keltoi all day ;)
no subject
on 20 Jun 2002 16:10 (UTC)Keep posting it gives me something to do after work.
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on 20 Jun 2002 16:17 (UTC)no subject
on 20 Jun 2002 18:19 (UTC)no subject
on 20 Jun 2002 18:19 (UTC)no subject
on 24 Jun 2002 16:33 (UTC)For what it's worth, I read your journal, and I like you a lot and hope we can hang out in the fall.
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on 24 Jun 2002 18:35 (UTC)no subject
on 6 Jul 2002 15:51 (UTC)Re:
on 6 Jul 2002 18:10 (UTC)no subject
on 6 Jul 2002 20:49 (UTC)