still awake...

I took a short nap today (hour and a half), and therefore I'm still up. I had this plan to try and wake up for the 6am exercise class, but I don't think that will happen. I think my plan instead will be to wake up at 7:30, go to Saxon, go to Pad Thai, go to the lab (actually I will drop off goldbug to watch the lab for me for about half an hour while I run two errands - getting my MVR from the tag agency (in case it takes a day to get, I can pick it up on Monday before going to Papa John's) and mailing a package to a mud friend), then go to the aerobics class at 5:30. After that, I can come home and take a shower, since it won't be band practice night I don't have to be there right at 7.

That's right kids,

tonight is dinner party night!

at Brendan and Chris's house.

A lot of stuff happened today, but I guess I'll get to the most important part first.

I went to the ophthalmologist today. Her name was Dr. Wise, and she was really neat. She picked up my chart which had the orders from Dr. Hulsey, and said, "Your doctor asked to have a (insert big word here) done, and I can see why - you have really large eyes!" and I said, basically, what in the world does that have to do with anything, and she said, "Well, usually it means thyroid eye disease," and I shut up and sat down. I got a whole barrage of weird things done to my eyes, at least 3 different drops put into them, lots of bright lights, and weird thing that looked kind of like a skinny version of Geordi LaForge's glasses (this was the test that Dr. Hulsey asked for, it was a "measuring the bulge of your eyeballs" test), and even had a test where my eyeball was touched by a sensor to measure the pressure! I ended up with my pupils dilated and my eye muscles relaxed - I couldn't deal with light, and I couldn't focus on anything that wasn't in a range from about 5 to 50 feet from me. That made driving home fun - I could see the street fine, but not really my dashboard. ;) And when I got home, I couldn't read my email, hehe. It was weird - I'm so used to moving something closer when I can't see it, but that didn't work. That is why I couldn't post any of this earlier :)

But yes, I have Thyroid Eye Disease, also known as Thyroid Related Orbitopathy, Graves' Eye Disease, or Graves' Ophthalmopathy (and a host of other names that I didn't think you cared about). So yeah - it's almost Graves' disease - it can turn into that if I'm unlucky.

It's not anything that harms me directly; at least in the mild form I have right now. Basically right now for me it's just "big eye disease". What happens is that, like Graves' disease, there's an antibody that is messed up in me that is attacking my eyes. There are two possibilities - the antibody comes from my thyroid, which is farked up, or the antibody is ALSO attacking my thyroid, making it farked up. Either way, it's affecting my eyes definitely. What is it doing now? Well, it simply is causing excessive swelling and protrusion - big eyes. I've always had them, but apparently they're more than just something I have. :) During the bulgy-eye test, Dr. Wise found out that my right eye is more protuberant than my left, which (according to her) is a symptom (apparently if you're normal neither one of your eyes is supposed to bulge more than the other). Also, one of the symptoms is "lid retraction", where your upper eyelid doesn't extend to cover as much of your eye as normal. In normal people (and I inspected goldbug's eyes to check this out) the upper lid normally covers up some of the top of the iris when you're just, like, hanging out and looking around. With lid retraction, it sits higher, sometimes even high enough to see the whites above your eye. This of course makes your eye look bigger, because there is more area visible. By the time I could see close enough to check myself in a mirror I was really tired, making me either sleepy-eyed or wide-eyed, so I will have to check that out tomorrow.


Before I wrote this, I did some online-surfing to find out more about this disease. The best page about symptoms and such is here, the Royal National Institute for the Blind - really bad cases can make you blind. However, most of the pages I saw noted that this condition is most often related to hyperthyroidism, not hypothyroidism like I suspect I am (if I were hyperthyroid, I wouldn't be able to stop losing weight, I'd be jittery all the time, super-nervous, unable to sleep.... the opposite of my problems!). However, as this page says, it also happens rarely in people who are hypothyroid. Also, it could happen even if my thyroid were fine! So, interesting.

Here's my theory, assuming I do test positive for hypothyroid - the antibody from Graves' disease is attacking my thyroid andor my eyes (or attacking my thyroid and therefore messing up an antibody that helps my eyes). Usually, according to the webpages on Graves' disease, attacking the thyroid makes it function more to fight - hyperthyroidism. But, I think I just must have a wimpy weak thyroid! It gets attacked, and rolls over and plays dead. Waves the white flag, so to speak.

So now I get to call back to Dr. Hulsey's office and schedule another appointment so I can find out the blood test results and if I really do have a thyroid problem. Yay! =P

Let's see, more I was going to talk about. While at the Bookhouse tonight watching Trigun,, Brooke, Jon, and Ben ordered some Papa John's. I was excited because I was going to grill the delivery driver. When she arrived, I recognized her from one of my classes! My self and identity philosophy class from, um, a year or two ago. Her name is Tracy. We chatted a bit about the job, and now I am happy I will know at least one person. She seemed really content with working the job, and I remember her being cool and smart in class, so I hope I will be okay with it too.

Well, goldbug just said, "Sounds like you're making a long post!" from the couch, so I think that's a sign I should wrap this up. Maybe I'll go lay in bed for another hour and see if I fall asleep yet (11:30 to 12:30 didn't do it). Goodnight!

still awake...

I took a short nap today (hour and a half), and therefore I'm still up. I had this plan to try and wake up for the 6am exercise class, but I don't think that will happen. I think my plan instead will be to wake up at 7:30, go to Saxon, go to Pad Thai, go to the lab (actually I will drop off goldbug to watch the lab for me for about half an hour while I run two errands - getting my MVR from the tag agency (in case it takes a day to get, I can pick it up on Monday before going to Papa John's) and mailing a package to a mud friend), then go to the aerobics class at 5:30. After that, I can come home and take a shower, since it won't be band practice night I don't have to be there right at 7.

That's right kids,

tonight is dinner party night!

at Brendan and Chris's house.

A lot of stuff happened today, but I guess I'll get to the most important part first.

I went to the ophthalmologist today. Her name was Dr. Wise, and she was really neat. She picked up my chart which had the orders from Dr. Hulsey, and said, "Your doctor asked to have a (insert big word here) done, and I can see why - you have really large eyes!" and I said, basically, what in the world does that have to do with anything, and she said, "Well, usually it means thyroid eye disease," and I shut up and sat down. I got a whole barrage of weird things done to my eyes, at least 3 different drops put into them, lots of bright lights, and weird thing that looked kind of like a skinny version of Geordi LaForge's glasses (this was the test that Dr. Hulsey asked for, it was a "measuring the bulge of your eyeballs" test), and even had a test where my eyeball was touched by a sensor to measure the pressure! I ended up with my pupils dilated and my eye muscles relaxed - I couldn't deal with light, and I couldn't focus on anything that wasn't in a range from about 5 to 50 feet from me. That made driving home fun - I could see the street fine, but not really my dashboard. ;) And when I got home, I couldn't read my email, hehe. It was weird - I'm so used to moving something closer when I can't see it, but that didn't work. That is why I couldn't post any of this earlier :)

But yes, I have Thyroid Eye Disease, also known as Thyroid Related Orbitopathy, Graves' Eye Disease, or Graves' Ophthalmopathy (and a host of other names that I didn't think you cared about). So yeah - it's almost Graves' disease - it can turn into that if I'm unlucky.

It's not anything that harms me directly; at least in the mild form I have right now. Basically right now for me it's just "big eye disease". What happens is that, like Graves' disease, there's an antibody that is messed up in me that is attacking my eyes. There are two possibilities - the antibody comes from my thyroid, which is farked up, or the antibody is ALSO attacking my thyroid, making it farked up. Either way, it's affecting my eyes definitely. What is it doing now? Well, it simply is causing excessive swelling and protrusion - big eyes. I've always had them, but apparently they're more than just something I have. :) During the bulgy-eye test, Dr. Wise found out that my right eye is more protuberant than my left, which (according to her) is a symptom (apparently if you're normal neither one of your eyes is supposed to bulge more than the other). Also, one of the symptoms is "lid retraction", where your upper eyelid doesn't extend to cover as much of your eye as normal. In normal people (and I inspected goldbug's eyes to check this out) the upper lid normally covers up some of the top of the iris when you're just, like, hanging out and looking around. With lid retraction, it sits higher, sometimes even high enough to see the whites above your eye. This of course makes your eye look bigger, because there is more area visible. By the time I could see close enough to check myself in a mirror I was really tired, making me either sleepy-eyed or wide-eyed, so I will have to check that out tomorrow.


Before I wrote this, I did some online-surfing to find out more about this disease. The best page about symptoms and such is here, the Royal National Institute for the Blind - really bad cases can make you blind. However, most of the pages I saw noted that this condition is most often related to hyperthyroidism, not hypothyroidism like I suspect I am (if I were hyperthyroid, I wouldn't be able to stop losing weight, I'd be jittery all the time, super-nervous, unable to sleep.... the opposite of my problems!). However, as this page says, it also happens rarely in people who are hypothyroid. Also, it could happen even if my thyroid were fine! So, interesting.

Here's my theory, assuming I do test positive for hypothyroid - the antibody from Graves' disease is attacking my thyroid andor my eyes (or attacking my thyroid and therefore messing up an antibody that helps my eyes). Usually, according to the webpages on Graves' disease, attacking the thyroid makes it function more to fight - hyperthyroidism. But, I think I just must have a wimpy weak thyroid! It gets attacked, and rolls over and plays dead. Waves the white flag, so to speak.

So now I get to call back to Dr. Hulsey's office and schedule another appointment so I can find out the blood test results and if I really do have a thyroid problem. Yay! =P

Let's see, more I was going to talk about. While at the Bookhouse tonight watching Trigun,, Brooke, Jon, and Ben ordered some Papa John's. I was excited because I was going to grill the delivery driver. When she arrived, I recognized her from one of my classes! My self and identity philosophy class from, um, a year or two ago. Her name is Tracy. We chatted a bit about the job, and now I am happy I will know at least one person. She seemed really content with working the job, and I remember her being cool and smart in class, so I hope I will be okay with it too.

Well, goldbug just said, "Sounds like you're making a long post!" from the couch, so I think that's a sign I should wrap this up. Maybe I'll go lay in bed for another hour and see if I fall asleep yet (11:30 to 12:30 didn't do it). Goodnight!

oh man what a morning...

So there's this lady in Italy who thinks that if she calls and gets the voicemail, it's a personal affront. "If no one is ever going to answer the phone, this will determine whether we use Saxon in the future or not." I'm sorry if you call before I get here in the mornings, lady, and I'm sorry if there are messages left before yours from the night before or earlier in the morning that I will return before I call you! Not only that, but I have to use Jim's phone to call out-of-country, and therefore schedule calling her around his calling. Ergh.

As a happier thing, though, it's someone's birthday today here at Saxon, and that means free food. I'm letting myself go. ;) Ruffles and french onion dip, half a bagel with cream cheese, 3 oreos, a brownie, two donut holes, and a small piece of yellow cake with chocolate frosting. There were also Jolly Rancher lollipops, but some nazi took all the apple ones already. Grumble.

I'm happy about this because I forgot my yogurt. Doh!

After eating, I will attempt to write about the very long, very weird dream I had last night.

oh man what a morning...

So there's this lady in Italy who thinks that if she calls and gets the voicemail, it's a personal affront. "If no one is ever going to answer the phone, this will determine whether we use Saxon in the future or not." I'm sorry if you call before I get here in the mornings, lady, and I'm sorry if there are messages left before yours from the night before or earlier in the morning that I will return before I call you! Not only that, but I have to use Jim's phone to call out-of-country, and therefore schedule calling her around his calling. Ergh.

As a happier thing, though, it's someone's birthday today here at Saxon, and that means free food. I'm letting myself go. ;) Ruffles and french onion dip, half a bagel with cream cheese, 3 oreos, a brownie, two donut holes, and a small piece of yellow cake with chocolate frosting. There were also Jolly Rancher lollipops, but some nazi took all the apple ones already. Grumble.

I'm happy about this because I forgot my yogurt. Doh!

After eating, I will attempt to write about the very long, very weird dream I had last night.

oh geez

don't I have another one of these lists to finish?

things to post about:

my long dream last night
the change of my weight-loss plan/life schedule
my enjoyment of aerobics tonight
new goals for money/budgeting
how much the cats love each other!!

But now I need to shower, as the dinner party is scant hours away.

oh geez

don't I have another one of these lists to finish?

things to post about:

my long dream last night
the change of my weight-loss plan/life schedule
my enjoyment of aerobics tonight
new goals for money/budgeting
how much the cats love each other!!

But now I need to shower, as the dinner party is scant hours away.

the list

So I went back and found the list from long ago of things to talk about... and here we go. These discussions are probably incredibly shorter than they originally were going to be.

physical closeness (touchy-feelyness) with friends
I covered that.

combining three geographically-separate sections of my life
Well, everyone knows that I live in Oklahoma and have friends in Oklahoma. Jason lives in Boston, Massachusetts. Troy, Jed, Scot, Mike, and Graham live in California. Will there ever be a day when I can combine all the parts of my life into one whole?

I need some form of huge event that is important enough to bring everyone together. The only thing I can really think of is a wedding, and well... that's not happening for a while. Although I certainly hope everyone who is invited will be able to make it - I promise to give you enough time to save money and make plans. Maybe it's incredibly girly of me, but I do think that I want my wedding to be a very special day in my life, and involve all my friends. Maybe I want it to be special because it's an event that can bring all my friends together, because they'll feel socially obligated to come? Oh, well, anyway...

It's possible, happily, that eventually these sections will be much closer. Brendan and Chris are at least moving to the Bay area, possibly more people, and hopefully eventually goldbug too. I would like to move there to stay with the band, eventually, and assumedly Jason would come with me. Then the sections of my life wouldn't be more than a few hours away.

But for now, it's almost like I have three separate lives... And each is enjoyable, but I would like to feel less schizophrenic :)


life's neverending thirst for love
I think I remember what I originally intended to talk about when writing this. Being in love is great, don't get me wrong, but there is always the urge to fall in love again. The romance, the emotions. The heart-stopping moment of confession as you wait to find out if your companion feels the same. It never ends. You can be perfectly content in your love with someone, but there is always temptation to start anew and fresh with someone else.

the psychological level I reached on Friday night
Man.... I still remember that night. I can't explain how right it was. Yes, I was really drunk. I was in a club with Troy, Jed, and Graham. And David Pinegar. There was music playing... beautiful music.... I was with friends I loved, was just finishing a week of stress-free life and companionship. I was unwound enough to be touchy, give hugs and lean against shoulders. I felt like... I wanted to stay at that level forever. Just smiling, and hugging, and loving everyone in the room.

the size of my cats
When I got home from my visit, my cats were tiny. I mean, jeez, they were little peanuts. It's been long enough now that they seem normal-sized again, but wow. I remember exclaiming when I first walked in the door and seeing Pixel. See, Troy has 5 cats, and they are all pretty large. I think the smallest one, Dinah, might still be about twice Pixel's size. When I first got there, I thought the cats were huge, but I got used to them. Then I came home. Wow, my babies were so small.

the CDs I returned with
I remember that I had recently discussed on livejournal having one of the wussiest CD collections of anyone I know (although Amanda beat me). That was why it was amazing that I came back from California with eight new CDs, only three of which I bought. I bought Mock Heroic by Admiral Twin, Throwing the Game by Lucky Boys Confusion, and The Siket Disc by Phish. The remaining five CDs were gifts from Troy and Jed. Troy gave me 3 burned CDs - a live Birthday show with some Park Avenue, the Orb Festival featuring Dutch Girls on Bikes and Low Flying Owls, and a CD of unreleased studio songs by U2 (which I was going to give to my brother for Christmas, but I haven't seen him yet!). Jed gave me two CDs - a mp3 CD of rare live and unreleased Smashing Pumpkins songs, and a copy of The Sophtware Slump by Grandaddy. I'm listening to the SP stuff now, in fact (goldbug put it on while I was at the dinner party). All in all, it was quite a stash to bring back. Definitely enough music for the drive home.

the cool stuff I bought today
Um, wow. I don't even remember. Was that the day goldbug and I went shopping at the mall? I got so much good stuff that day. But I don't think you really care, plus it'll be more interesting with some of the items to just surprise people (like the pants... muah... only goldbug knows what I'm talking about!).


Okay, so I've caught up on that list. Now I will wait a few minutes, and hopefully work on the list I made earlier tonight.

the list

So I went back and found the list from long ago of things to talk about... and here we go. These discussions are probably incredibly shorter than they originally were going to be.

physical closeness (touchy-feelyness) with friends
I covered that.

combining three geographically-separate sections of my life
Well, everyone knows that I live in Oklahoma and have friends in Oklahoma. Jason lives in Boston, Massachusetts. Troy, Jed, Scot, Mike, and Graham live in California. Will there ever be a day when I can combine all the parts of my life into one whole?

I need some form of huge event that is important enough to bring everyone together. The only thing I can really think of is a wedding, and well... that's not happening for a while. Although I certainly hope everyone who is invited will be able to make it - I promise to give you enough time to save money and make plans. Maybe it's incredibly girly of me, but I do think that I want my wedding to be a very special day in my life, and involve all my friends. Maybe I want it to be special because it's an event that can bring all my friends together, because they'll feel socially obligated to come? Oh, well, anyway...

It's possible, happily, that eventually these sections will be much closer. Brendan and Chris are at least moving to the Bay area, possibly more people, and hopefully eventually goldbug too. I would like to move there to stay with the band, eventually, and assumedly Jason would come with me. Then the sections of my life wouldn't be more than a few hours away.

But for now, it's almost like I have three separate lives... And each is enjoyable, but I would like to feel less schizophrenic :)


life's neverending thirst for love
I think I remember what I originally intended to talk about when writing this. Being in love is great, don't get me wrong, but there is always the urge to fall in love again. The romance, the emotions. The heart-stopping moment of confession as you wait to find out if your companion feels the same. It never ends. You can be perfectly content in your love with someone, but there is always temptation to start anew and fresh with someone else.

the psychological level I reached on Friday night
Man.... I still remember that night. I can't explain how right it was. Yes, I was really drunk. I was in a club with Troy, Jed, and Graham. And David Pinegar. There was music playing... beautiful music.... I was with friends I loved, was just finishing a week of stress-free life and companionship. I was unwound enough to be touchy, give hugs and lean against shoulders. I felt like... I wanted to stay at that level forever. Just smiling, and hugging, and loving everyone in the room.

the size of my cats
When I got home from my visit, my cats were tiny. I mean, jeez, they were little peanuts. It's been long enough now that they seem normal-sized again, but wow. I remember exclaiming when I first walked in the door and seeing Pixel. See, Troy has 5 cats, and they are all pretty large. I think the smallest one, Dinah, might still be about twice Pixel's size. When I first got there, I thought the cats were huge, but I got used to them. Then I came home. Wow, my babies were so small.

the CDs I returned with
I remember that I had recently discussed on livejournal having one of the wussiest CD collections of anyone I know (although Amanda beat me). That was why it was amazing that I came back from California with eight new CDs, only three of which I bought. I bought Mock Heroic by Admiral Twin, Throwing the Game by Lucky Boys Confusion, and The Siket Disc by Phish. The remaining five CDs were gifts from Troy and Jed. Troy gave me 3 burned CDs - a live Birthday show with some Park Avenue, the Orb Festival featuring Dutch Girls on Bikes and Low Flying Owls, and a CD of unreleased studio songs by U2 (which I was going to give to my brother for Christmas, but I haven't seen him yet!). Jed gave me two CDs - a mp3 CD of rare live and unreleased Smashing Pumpkins songs, and a copy of The Sophtware Slump by Grandaddy. I'm listening to the SP stuff now, in fact (goldbug put it on while I was at the dinner party). All in all, it was quite a stash to bring back. Definitely enough music for the drive home.

the cool stuff I bought today
Um, wow. I don't even remember. Was that the day goldbug and I went shopping at the mall? I got so much good stuff that day. But I don't think you really care, plus it'll be more interesting with some of the items to just surprise people (like the pants... muah... only goldbug knows what I'm talking about!).


Okay, so I've caught up on that list. Now I will wait a few minutes, and hopefully work on the list I made earlier tonight.