it doesn't matter if my boyfriend minds

[juldea]

I am a flirt. Most of you know this. What can I say; I enjoy attention. This sometimes leads to people trying to gauge the possibility of actually becoming involved with me in whatever way (romantic, physical, etc.), and in many of these cases, leads to a comment structured as so: "Well, I could [say more|be more forward|make a move|prove it], but your boyfriend might object."

This is wrong, and you should never do it.

I am in control of my body. Not anyone I am dating or otherwise involved with. Whether or not you and I flirt, kiss, make out, fuck, whatever, is my decision to make, and the only person you need to worry about approving or disapproving is me.

I am also in control of my relationships. If you want to be involved with me, you don't sit down and work out the arrangements with my SO. You work it out with me. If my SO objects to anything I discuss, commit to, or do with another person, that is my problem to deal with, not yours.

My body and heart are not anyone's property but my own, and no one but me can make decisions about it. So quit passive-aggressively hinting that you have intentions towards me that my SO might object to, and instead perhaps ask me what I think? I mean, I know that by flirting I am inviting people to think about being involved with me, and when that happens I do want to know if someone is interested (for the ego boost if nothing else!) But there are ways to communicate interest and query for response, and I find the above to be a bad way to do it.

Edit: This rant is specifically directed at the situation wherein the person saying the above is not anyone who has a relationship of their own with my SO that they might worry about. Also, I want to point out that so far, most of the comments from men I've received have been related to this lack of clarification, and most of the comments from women I've received have been YES YES YES THIS. Heh.

Edit 2: I am editing this post continuously in response to feedback I'm receiving about how I'm communicating. Just be aware.

Comments

[juldea.livejournal.com]

"If I know someone is monogamously married and still try to get him into a relationship with me, it is disrespectful to both the husband and the wife."

I not only completely agree with you 100%, but I consider the above statement to be so obvious as to not need to be stated. So I'm trying to figure out what about my post makes it seem like I don't agree with this statement. I think it's just in the vehemence with which I attacked the situation originally; I probably used some exclusive terms (solely, entirely, etc.) that are, in fact, not exclusive. They should be "mostly"s instead. ;)

Ah, but maybe that's it - the indication in the original, "...but your boyfriend might object" statement that THAT is the sole purpose I'm not falling into said person's arms, overlooking any of my opinions on them otherwise.

I want the people I flirt with to be people who also consider "I want to try to get with you at the expense of your current relationship" to be reprehensible. I want it to be understood that we can flirt and maybe even indicate attraction to each other WITHOUT meaning "I want you to cheat on your SO with me," and I think that that can be phrased in better ways than, "I would be all over you right now if not for your bf getting angry with us." (Note: if I have established mutual interest with someone else but have also established that while there is interest, there will be no movement due to my commitment elsewhere, there are times when the phrase, "I would be all over you right now if not for your bf getting angry with us," is acceptable. That's assuming a well-defined ground of that person knowing my opinions on the matter, though, NOT the context of them ignoring my opinions.)

I hope this makes sense. I'm getting a bit rambly and disjointed at this point of the night, and not sure I answered sufficiently; I guess most of this thread is proving that I communicate weirdly anyway, so maybe it won't be that much worse than whatever I'd say bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

[zdenka]

I was reacting to the vehemence of this statement: "If my SO objects to anything I discuss, commit to, or do with another person, that is my problem to deal with, not yours."

Which, taken to the extreme, could imply that the SO's views are completely irrelevant, that cheating or encouraging someone to cheat is okay, etc. I have heard people argue seriously that it's okay to encourage someone to cheat on their S.O. with you. I wasn't trying to impute those views to you, but rather to point out a place where I thought you were overgeneralizing or leaving out an important caveat.

I think I agree with your main points, as I understand them. But there are some principles involved that are very important to me, and so I wanted to make things be clearer around the edges. And now I am sleepy too, so I will stop before I get totally incoherent. :-)

[juldea.livejournal.com]

Okay, I see where I was vehement and a little too strict with my wording there, such as to open up such loopholes in my statement. Thanks for pointing it out. :)

There have been instances of the "but your boyfriend might mind!" that seemed to be the other person trying to indicate that they are holding back magnanimously to keep me from getting myself into trouble, to which I call bullshit because it's my call how much trouble I get myself into. But holding back in the instance of knowing there is disapproval and respecting it is a good thing.