it doesn't matter if my boyfriend minds

[juldea]

I am a flirt. Most of you know this. What can I say; I enjoy attention. This sometimes leads to people trying to gauge the possibility of actually becoming involved with me in whatever way (romantic, physical, etc.), and in many of these cases, leads to a comment structured as so: "Well, I could [say more|be more forward|make a move|prove it], but your boyfriend might object."

This is wrong, and you should never do it.

I am in control of my body. Not anyone I am dating or otherwise involved with. Whether or not you and I flirt, kiss, make out, fuck, whatever, is my decision to make, and the only person you need to worry about approving or disapproving is me.

I am also in control of my relationships. If you want to be involved with me, you don't sit down and work out the arrangements with my SO. You work it out with me. If my SO objects to anything I discuss, commit to, or do with another person, that is my problem to deal with, not yours.

My body and heart are not anyone's property but my own, and no one but me can make decisions about it. So quit passive-aggressively hinting that you have intentions towards me that my SO might object to, and instead perhaps ask me what I think? I mean, I know that by flirting I am inviting people to think about being involved with me, and when that happens I do want to know if someone is interested (for the ego boost if nothing else!) But there are ways to communicate interest and query for response, and I find the above to be a bad way to do it.

Edit: This rant is specifically directed at the situation wherein the person saying the above is not anyone who has a relationship of their own with my SO that they might worry about. Also, I want to point out that so far, most of the comments from men I've received have been related to this lack of clarification, and most of the comments from women I've received have been YES YES YES THIS. Heh.

Edit 2: I am editing this post continuously in response to feedback I'm receiving about how I'm communicating. Just be aware.

Comments

[juldea.livejournal.com]

I object to the convention that my SO should fight/be upset with the guy instead of me. If I were raped, sure. If I went out and slept with some dude? Not the dude's fault! Thinking it's his fault turns into "her body belongs to who she's sleeping with."

[thetathx1138.livejournal.com]

My first point: I don't disagree with your post, but I think it's a bit simplified, and actually even worse in terms of implications.

My second point: I've been on the receiving end of more than a few "...but your girlfriend might mind" comments. This isn't gender-exclusive (or sexuality exclusive: I've had gay friends get propositioned with this same kind of line).

My third point: For most people in monogamous relationships, I think the implication is less about possession and more about the massive emotional damage.

The basic implication of that line in THAT context is "I want you to cheat with me, and I'm just sounding out whether you give a shit about how that might hurt your SO's feelings." It's worth remembering cheating is profoundly emotionally hurtful. It usually covers up some major issue that the person cheating just can't bring up to their SO, and that's usually the part that hurts the most for most people. And it hurts a lot. I've never been cheated on, but I've seen the fallout and...yeah.


Open/poly is, of course, a whole different kettle of fish; then, using that line is just passive-aggressive and douchey minus emotional baggage and everything you discussed doubled.

[juldea.livejournal.com]

Well, I think my post is indeed simplified: it's telling people just get it out and tell someone when they're interested, rather than using sneaky phrases to hide behind to avoid rejection - especially phrases that, when viewed literally, are quite offensive. I'm not quite sure where the horrible implications are here, though.

I make no claim that it's men only. Men are the only ones who've done it to me, but women can totally be as sketchy.

As to point three, my experience with the use of the line is outside of this context. My experience with it is that the person is completely bypassing the topic of my interest in cheating on my SO; it doesn't matter to them, because I am not going to do what my SO doesn't allow me to do. Anyone who has ever been actually actively seeking my opinion and point of view has used different terminology.

[faerieboots.livejournal.com]

Arguably your point regarding your own body and intentions still stands if you are raped (although obviously, your partner would be upset by this too)

..just sayin'.

[juldea.livejournal.com]

Heh, of course.