age and stuff

[juldea]

Today is a weird day. I am, all in all, in a pretty damn good mood. I feel I got enough sleep, I'm bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (as the saying goes), I have new purpley plaid socks, I have a grip on my schedule for the next week - all should be well, yes?

But as I was sitting alone in the company owner's office installing the new print server on his computer (yay, we have a new printer that was made in the last decade!) I suddenly was hit with the I'm old and fat and ugly and no one loves me and no one wants to join me for the amazing traveling roadshow wedding and have fat smart blue-eyed babies with me and grow old and grey by my side and WAHHHH blues. Harumph.

This ties into some other introspection I was doing lately: I was washing dishes with the radio on, which is about the only time I listen to broadcast radio anymore, and a new pop song came on that sampled "Sweet Home Alabama" pretty heavily in a way that was integral to the song itself. (lyrics) The song is about one's heady, heavy high school andor youth loves and looking back on them, and when listening to this song while doing dishes, it descended upon me in a way that nothing has in a while that that time is past. I am out of the running for love like that. I'm too old, too jaded, too world-weary and heartbroken. Sure, I'll fall in love again, but it won't be like that.

Then of course I reminisce about the ones that were like that. Going out to the Ridge with Lewie and dancing outside his car to whatever that damn Romeo & Juliet song was I've never been able to find since. Lying to my parents about having early band section rehearsal so that I could sneak over to Nick's house between 6:30 and 7:00am before school to fool around. Gary doing one of the most romantic things a boyfriend has ever done for me - after a day we went to the mall and fooled around and I tried on a dress that looked absolutely gorgeous but I had no business buying and nowhere to wear it, being presented with it on Valentine's Day along with tickets to the opera so I'd have someplace to wear it. (Fucking fuckass dry cleaners that later ruined the dress.) Sitting in Boston Common with Jason on a bench, foreheads pressed together in young love strong enough that a passer-by with a camera stopped and asked us if he could take our picture for a photobook of Boston he was creating.

And I think that was it. Something about every relationship after Jason is... less idealistic. Older, more grounded, more aware that True Love doesn't solve every problem, and that relationships involve pain and work and sacrifice. And really, all I can say to this is a line stolen from Into the Woods: "Isn't it nice to know a lot? And a little bit... not."

Comments

[scirocco.livejournal.com]

Now nothing seems as strange as when the leaves began to change
Or how we thought those days would never end
Sometimes I'll hear that song and I'll start to sing along
And think man I'd love to see that girl again.

I get similar feelings sometime, although it's gotten better over time, as I and my ex-gfs have gotten married, had kids, etc, etc. Still, I have painful flashes of this kind from time to time as well.

[juldea.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I figure it's just another part of being human andor adult.

[scirocco.livejournal.com]

Oh, and furthermore: I'm old and fat and ugly

NOT TRUE. None of those adjectives describe you.

[juldea.livejournal.com]

But the whiny emo part of my brain refuses to admit to logic and the protests of others, you see. :)

[scirocco.livejournal.com]

I understand, which is why it remains our part to continue those protests non-stop. :)

[etherial.livejournal.com]

:falls over and dies from the brain hemorrhage of seeing you comment here.

[juldea.livejournal.com]

:P I've known him longer than I've known you!

[etherial.livejournal.com]

I've known him longer than I've known you. He also knows Dennis, Tim, Countess Svava, and some of my future non-SCA neighbors.

[juldea.livejournal.com]

It's the circle of lii-ii-iiife...

[etherial.livejournal.com]

And Anal cleavage, apparently...

[juldea.livejournal.com]

Dude, she was just GIVING it to me there...

[etherial.livejournal.com]

It's true. There's never been a better time to steal Fifth Base.

[juldea.livejournal.com]

Oh, there have been better...

[scirocco.livejournal.com]

?? Why the hemorrhage? I CAN HAZ FEELINGS TOO!

[juldea.livejournal.com]

That is a beautiful poem. Thank you.

[hazliya.livejournal.com]

I get that feeling, and I'm 22. =/

I think, though, that that kind of rash, impulsive, life-or-death passion leads to as many mistakes as fun, although we tend to remember the latter more clearly.

But then again, that's the way a boring adult would think. xD

I think that having relationships that are more balanced are healthier for us and more fulfilling, but the teeter-totter of a crazy lack of balance is what makes relationships so exciting.

Also, maybe a good chunk of it is that with more experience, less things are new, and thus less epic.

But I'm just rambling.

[juldea.livejournal.com]

the teeter-totter of a crazy lack of balance
Oh, yes. *wistful sigh*

[sectionchild.livejournal.com]

I like your stories. Your life, so far, sounds like it has some great parts to it. :-)

[juldea.livejournal.com]

Well, I could also relate the stories in the bathroom with the razor blades, but that wouldn't be as fun to read, now would it?

Lives have ups AND downs.

[leahseraph.livejournal.com]

If it's the Romeo and Juliet song I'm thinking of, it's by Dire Straits.

[juldea.livejournal.com]

No, it was a classical piece. But not any portion of the Overture-Fantasy by Tchaikovsky. I remember it was on some CD he had of "greatest romantic music ever," but fuck if there aren't millions of those out in the world. At this point it was over a decade ago, and I'm not sure anymore if I'd remember it if I heard it. :/

[alexx-kay.livejournal.com]

"Sure, I'll fall in love again, but it won't be like that."

True.

If you're *very* lucky, it'll be way better. Doesn't happen to everyone, but it happened to me, and to some others I know.

[juldea.livejournal.com]

How? Society hasn't inundated me with stories of THAT kind of love.

[alexx-kay.livejournal.com]

As you may have noticed, society has a remarkably limited palette of "stories about love". There are lots more ways to do it (good and bad) than are commonly shown. Even stories about alternative sexualities (such as Secretary) usually keep to the same basic story patterns.

(For that matter, it's not necessarily a good idea to aspire to 'story-like' love. Stories require drama, and love doesn't. The two are often found together, but it's far from universal. As Bilbo says: "We are plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures. Nasty uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!")

As to practical advice? I have a bit, if necessarily vague. Live. Do things you enjoy, in contexts where you will meet like-minded souls. Be always open to opportunity, but without *expectation* at any given moment (this one is hard, but both halves are important).

And, tongue-in-cheek-but-serious: Make a list of all the qualities that a potential mate must have in order to be acceptable. When you decide that you like someone so much that you have to go for them *despite* that list, then you'll have found the right person :-) (This has much to do with how Kes and I got together.)

[juldea.livejournal.com]

Stories require drama, and love doesn't.
I can hear Yoda's voice in my head right now, telling me, "This is why you fail."

The last paragraph would be more amusing if it hadn't been so prominently the case with londo.

[alexx-kay.livejournal.com]

I'm still sorry (and baffled) that you and Londo didn't work out permanent-like. But you did at least get several good years out of it.

[juldea.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the sentiments. It's true; we had several years of very good times that I will forever look back on fondly.

[flyingindie.livejournal.com]

Patience, young Jedi.

Things suck now, but they will get better. I'm sure you know deep down that you aren't any of those bad things, and that someday this will all be in the past. Hang in there. :)

[juldea.livejournal.com]

You can't hurry love, no you just have to wait?

[flyingindie.livejournal.com]

Hahaha. Exactly!