honesty/nonconfrontation

[juldea]

First off - while I am posting, I still haven't read my flist in 2-3 days. That comes for later tonight after I finish my list of household and Arisia chores.

However, I need to air something out here for my friends. I think this is important for everyone to know.

In a vacuum, I would rather lie to a friend than disappoint them.

Yes, I realize that quite often, lying to someone will disappoint them if they find out. But I do this in a very spur-of-the-moment, covering-my-ass-and-avoiding-confrontation manner. It doesn't help that I have a very guilty conscience and will generally assume you are unhappy with/disappointed in me if I know you to have reason, even if I don't think you know. So if I think I can make a harmless "little white lie" to avoid admitting fault/error/bad judgment/etc on my part, I generally will.

This has bitten me in the ass before. It will again. I am alternately cool with it and not cool with it, and basically... want to see what my friends think. Does this make you less likely to trust me? Is your response, "Pfft, everyone does that!"?

Comments

[zenandtheart.livejournal.com]

I do it... occasionally. I assume everyone does it. I may be a bad person though.

[tkitch.livejournal.com]

http://tkitch.livejournal.com/101221.html

you may care about this detail.

[learnedax.livejournal.com]

Many people do that. It doesn't make you a bad person. But I don't, and I tend to think a little loss of trust is inevitable.

[k1ttycat.livejournal.com]

I know I have done it. I have often felt guilt, and sometimes gotten caught and have felt even worse.

[ratbastrd.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of people do that, at least sometimes. Probably most. That doesn't make it good or admirable, but its certainly understandable.

[alexx-kay.livejournal.com]

It's my belief that, in the long run, truth will out. At least, it will if you keep hanging out with the person. I occasionally make little white lies to strangers, but never to people I expect to be seeing again.

Otherwise, ditto what Learnedax said.

[rigel.livejournal.com]

It really depends on how serious, but in general, please don't do it with me.

[crazybone.livejournal.com]

You make your own choices but, like you said, it comes around to bite you in the ass eventually.
Please don't do that with me. To me an ugly truth is better than a pretty lie. It may hurt, but at least I know where I stand and can move forward and make decisions with accurate information.

[thetathx1138.livejournal.com]

Just be honest when telling me about my figures, 'kay? ;-)

[sectionchild.livejournal.com]

If the lies involve sparing other people's feelings, I'm generally OK with that. If the lies are about facts and responsibilities, that's different. Like "no, that new hat that you love looks *awesome* and totally doesn't look like a penis at all!" is a different sort of lie than "i have no idea what happened to that 2 million dollars you left on the counter." The first type i can handle, the second is when i lose my trust.

[shadowravyn.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. I do it, I try not to do it, I do it anyway...it's a vicious cycle.

[hazliya.livejournal.com]

Seconded. I can be the same way. You're not crazy.

...well, you are, but... like, not in this sense... oh, whatever.

[londo.livejournal.com]

I think I've made my opinions on this issue overwhelmingly clear.

[anitra.livejournal.com]

Most people do it. I do it once in a while, but usually the truth eats at me if I don't tell it. I just CAN'T be sneaky.

Personally, I would rather be told the truth all the time. If I can't handle it, that's MY problem, not yours.

[siderea]

I think,

1) Just about everyone feels the inclination to do that, and
2) The vast majority of people do do that, and
3) It's still morally wrong, and
4) It is to one's inner peace what hard candy is to one's tooth enamel.

I decided quite some time ago to eschew these sorts of face-saving lies. Or any lying. Having decided it's wrong and bad for me, I have tried to do completely without. That doesn't mean I never make those sort of lies, but close. And things have to be pretty dire for me to do so.

For me this is about courage, honesty, and integrity, all of which matter to me.

[teenyweenyowen.livejournal.com]

Lots of people do it, nobody should.

[princess-muffin.livejournal.com]

Lying is insidious. When one is comfortable with lying then one tends to find that lies are more and more common, like a drug habit or alcoholism or anything else that provides a quick fix from the discomfort of reality.

The most damaging part of growing comfortable with lies is the tendency to then believe your own lies. And if you can lie to yourself, how will you ever really know who you are or what you can do?

Now, having said this, I also struggle with just how honest I should be with friends. A lie of omission is a lie in my eyes and it's difficult for me to say nothing when there is clearly something to be said (blame my parents, they were very specific in their expectations of integrity).

When given the choice, I prefer reality. I will either speak the truth or not speak at all. What then lets me sleep at night is honing my skills in delivering the truth with compassion and understanding - not necessarily kindness, sometimes brutal honesty is indeed required in a situation, but when the truth is uncomfortable I always try to focus on why someone needs to hear it, and how good the resulting benefit has to be in order to justify not keeping silent.

[princess-muffin.livejournal.com]

Oh: forgot to answer...

No, your admission does not make me feel inclined to mistrust you any more than before. If I ever need your honest input I will make it very clear that I do honestly want to hear it straight, and will probably talk to you about it first to help make sure you know that I will be far more disappointed with a lie than with an uncomfortable truth.

Besides; I'm a fairly decent judge of when a lie is being said to my face but I tend to let them slide anyways. This is to say "I don't trust very many people in the world as it is." As stated by many folks here, people lie all the time; I look past it, work around it, and forgive it for the most part. The only time I hold someone accountable for a lie is when I've specifically asked them to be honest about a very specific thing and they lie anyways, and I believe them, and don't realize it until later -- that is pretty high on my list of unforgiveable transgressions (thusly why I rarely speak to any of my exes - that whole "I don't trust many people in the world as it is" thing goes out the window when love is involved).