(no subject)

[juldea]

I would say that I just got back from my appointment with the psychologist, only that's a lie because I got back about an hour ago, and that hour has been spent on the phone with Jason.

The first half hour of that phone call, I was crying hard enough to be mostly incoherent. I was able to hold back until Jason's roommate handed him the phone, so that he knew it was me, but then it was sobbing and going through tissues.

I hated it. It was so horrible. I can't say that enough, I hated every second of it. The guy was horrible and asked me questions that had nothing to do with anything and told me that Jason wasn't a real boyfriend because he lived in Boston and that I have to be responsible for myself but at the same time I should be borrowing money from people and not working and that I have an obligation to other smart kids growing up to go to school and get a degree and not let myself go to waste and why did I hate myself so much? and why don't you just get a hammer and hit yourself on the thumb?

He didn't mention god.

I sat there, in this comfy leather chair, listening to this guy talk and ask me questions. He pretended to care the whole time, and I was ready to forgive him because he thought he was helping. Then it was time to go, and it was like two doors slammed shut. It was a total "time's up, get out of here, I'm done caring" feeling.

I was so stupid to think that I could pay someone to care about me.

I'm supposed to go back on Tuesday (not tomorrow, but next Tuesday) at 9. He set that date because it wouldn't make me miss work - I missed 3 hours of Saxon today, which means that I spent over $30 in addition to the $15 copay. So almost $50, for nothing.

I almost threw up in the car on the way to work because I was so upset.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Jason says it's just possible that it was a bad first time, a bad initial impression. And I know that it's possible. I really don't want to go back, and my mind is very closed to it now. I think I will have to type or write all of this out, and go on Tuesday and give it to him or read it to him, and tell me whether that's just the way it's going to be (and I will stop coming) or if it was a bad experience.

I just hated it so much... It was supposed to be a good experience and set me on my way to feeling better but it was awful, and I feel so much worse, I feel so horrible for wasting time and money and hope....

Talking to Jason had made me stop crying, but now I've started again

So what do I do? All of you who tell me I have to do something... I've tried, and failed horribly.

Comments

[baronbrian.livejournal.com]

That's encouraging...