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juldeaSo here's a post about something a bit more ... serious? for those of you who think I'm a big freak for posting about clothes. Yeah, it's from the list of things to post about from the California trip (which I really need to get crackin' on).
I don't think it's a secret that I was an emotionally messed up teen. I had - and still have - some amazingly strong relationships from that period of time. However, at that point in my life I was not a touchy-feely person. I was to people I dated (whom I believed I was in love with and would depend on forever), but I didn't get very physically emotional with the people who were really there for me and ... well, who I really love.
Since then, of course I have changed and grown up. Touchy-feelyness has become easier and more commonplace and, well, correct. It's one thing to tell someone they're a great friend, it's another to give them a great big hug. Brendan is my closest male friend in Norman, and he will sleep in my bed and we will hug each other while we sleep. Often with my good friends I will get a kiss on the cheek for a goodnight.
Perhaps I'm also easier doing these things because I'm not insecure in my serious relationship, as I used to be. Certainly in high school I didn't understand why my boyfriends loved me, or believed that they did... and I would always try to make sure not to do anything that would drive them away. That has gotten better and better over the years, to the point now where I don't doubt Jason's love one bit (although sometimes I have to kick his ass to show it ;)) and I know he understands that I love him more than anyone else. He knows that I hug and kiss my friends, that I sleep with them (in the literal sense), and that it's not even close to being a threat to him.
So, anyway. I find myself not being able to break past the barrier of the non-touchiness that was built years ago with some of my closest friends. I spent most of the visit to California wishing I could just wrap my arms around Troy and Jed and... let them know. I know they know, but... *sigh* The only times that the barrier cracked were for a while I was drunk, and during goodbyes. I treasure those memories (wasn't THAT drunk) and wish I could've managed to overcome the block before that.
So, everyone... well, I hope you know who you are. And what you are.
I don't think it's a secret that I was an emotionally messed up teen. I had - and still have - some amazingly strong relationships from that period of time. However, at that point in my life I was not a touchy-feely person. I was to people I dated (whom I believed I was in love with and would depend on forever), but I didn't get very physically emotional with the people who were really there for me and ... well, who I really love.
Since then, of course I have changed and grown up. Touchy-feelyness has become easier and more commonplace and, well, correct. It's one thing to tell someone they're a great friend, it's another to give them a great big hug. Brendan is my closest male friend in Norman, and he will sleep in my bed and we will hug each other while we sleep. Often with my good friends I will get a kiss on the cheek for a goodnight.
Perhaps I'm also easier doing these things because I'm not insecure in my serious relationship, as I used to be. Certainly in high school I didn't understand why my boyfriends loved me, or believed that they did... and I would always try to make sure not to do anything that would drive them away. That has gotten better and better over the years, to the point now where I don't doubt Jason's love one bit (although sometimes I have to kick his ass to show it ;)) and I know he understands that I love him more than anyone else. He knows that I hug and kiss my friends, that I sleep with them (in the literal sense), and that it's not even close to being a threat to him.
So, anyway. I find myself not being able to break past the barrier of the non-touchiness that was built years ago with some of my closest friends. I spent most of the visit to California wishing I could just wrap my arms around Troy and Jed and... let them know. I know they know, but... *sigh* The only times that the barrier cracked were for a while I was drunk, and during goodbyes. I treasure those memories (wasn't THAT drunk) and wish I could've managed to overcome the block before that.
So, everyone... well, I hope you know who you are. And what you are.