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juldeaI am a flirt. Most of you know this. What can I say; I enjoy attention. This sometimes leads to people trying to gauge the possibility of actually becoming involved with me in whatever way (romantic, physical, etc.), and in many of these cases, leads to a comment structured as so: "Well, I could [say more|be more forward|make a move|prove it], but your boyfriend might object."
This is wrong, and you should never do it.
I am in control of my body. Not anyone I am dating or otherwise involved with. Whether or not you and I flirt, kiss, make out, fuck, whatever, is my decision to make, and the only person you need to worry about approving or disapproving is me.
I am also in control of my relationships. If you want to be involved with me, you don't sit down and work out the arrangements with my SO. You work it out with me. If my SO objects to anything I discuss, commit to, or do with another person, that is my problem to deal with, not yours.
My body and heart are not anyone's property but my own, and no one but me can make decisions about it. So quit passive-aggressively hinting that you have intentions towards me that my SO might object to, and instead perhaps ask me what I think? I mean, I know that by flirting I am inviting people to think about being involved with me, and when that happens I do want to know if someone is interested (for the ego boost if nothing else!) But there are ways to communicate interest and query for response, and I find the above to be a bad way to do it.
Edit: This rant is specifically directed at the situation wherein the person saying the above is not anyone who has a relationship of their own with my SO that they might worry about. Also, I want to point out that so far, most of the comments from men I've received have been related to this lack of clarification, and most of the comments from women I've received have been YES YES YES THIS. Heh.
Edit 2: I am editing this post continuously in response to feedback I'm receiving about how I'm communicating. Just be aware.
This is wrong, and you should never do it.
I am in control of my body. Not anyone I am dating or otherwise involved with. Whether or not you and I flirt, kiss, make out, fuck, whatever, is my decision to make, and the only person you need to worry about approving or disapproving is me.
I am also in control of my relationships. If you want to be involved with me, you don't sit down and work out the arrangements with my SO. You work it out with me. If my SO objects to anything I discuss, commit to, or do with another person, that is my problem to deal with, not yours.
My body and heart are not anyone's property but my own, and no one but me can make decisions about it. So quit passive-aggressively hinting that you have intentions towards me that my SO might object to, and instead perhaps ask me what I think? I mean, I know that by flirting I am inviting people to think about being involved with me, and when that happens I do want to know if someone is interested (for the ego boost if nothing else!) But there are ways to communicate interest and query for response, and I find the above to be a bad way to do it.
Edit: This rant is specifically directed at the situation wherein the person saying the above is not anyone who has a relationship of their own with my SO that they might worry about. Also, I want to point out that so far, most of the comments from men I've received have been related to this lack of clarification, and most of the comments from women I've received have been YES YES YES THIS. Heh.
Edit 2: I am editing this post continuously in response to feedback I'm receiving about how I'm communicating. Just be aware.
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no subject
on 17 Feb 2010 04:47 (UTC)(I am also using generic 'you', for the record.)
If you think you need to remind me of my SO and our agreements, you are dishonoring me. It should be given 100% assumption that I am an adult who is honorable to my commitments. I guess if there were some kind of inebriation going on, sure, but that can also be phrased as, "Would your bf mind?" instead of, "I would be making out with you, if only your bf didn't mind."
As for the saving face... it's not politeness. The phrasing of, "we'd be doing this if not for your SO" forces me into one of two responses: simple agreement, which is a lie because the thing that is holding us back from action is in fact more the fact that I'm not interested in doing more than flirting, OR to come out and say this fact, which allows the guy to say, "What a bitch! I was only expressing interest in her relationship!" which is a lie. It's a statement that's a trap, intended to protect a guy's ego, relying on my inherent desire to not step up and metaphorically slap them in the face.