juldea | (no subject)

I would say that I just got back from my appointment with the psychologist, only that's a lie because I got back about an hour ago, and that hour has been spent on the phone with Jason.

The first half hour of that phone call, I was crying hard enough to be mostly incoherent. I was able to hold back until Jason's roommate handed him the phone, so that he knew it was me, but then it was sobbing and going through tissues.

I hated it. It was so horrible. I can't say that enough, I hated every second of it. The guy was horrible and asked me questions that had nothing to do with anything and told me that Jason wasn't a real boyfriend because he lived in Boston and that I have to be responsible for myself but at the same time I should be borrowing money from people and not working and that I have an obligation to other smart kids growing up to go to school and get a degree and not let myself go to waste and why did I hate myself so much? and why don't you just get a hammer and hit yourself on the thumb?

He didn't mention god.

I sat there, in this comfy leather chair, listening to this guy talk and ask me questions. He pretended to care the whole time, and I was ready to forgive him because he thought he was helping. Then it was time to go, and it was like two doors slammed shut. It was a total "time's up, get out of here, I'm done caring" feeling.

I was so stupid to think that I could pay someone to care about me.

I'm supposed to go back on Tuesday (not tomorrow, but next Tuesday) at 9. He set that date because it wouldn't make me miss work - I missed 3 hours of Saxon today, which means that I spent over $30 in addition to the $15 copay. So almost $50, for nothing.

I almost threw up in the car on the way to work because I was so upset.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Jason says it's just possible that it was a bad first time, a bad initial impression. And I know that it's possible. I really don't want to go back, and my mind is very closed to it now. I think I will have to type or write all of this out, and go on Tuesday and give it to him or read it to him, and tell me whether that's just the way it's going to be (and I will stop coming) or if it was a bad experience.

I just hated it so much... It was supposed to be a good experience and set me on my way to feeling better but it was awful, and I feel so much worse, I feel so horrible for wasting time and money and hope....

Talking to Jason had made me stop crying, but now I've started again

So what do I do? All of you who tell me I have to do something... I've tried, and failed horribly.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

and I love you a lot.
I'm so sorry it was terrible.
just in case you forget that I'm telling you this on AIM right now...

lovelise

what do you mean, questions that have nothing to do with anything? how's he supposed to know what is relevant and what's not unless he asks? are you sure he didn't just mean emotionally responsible for yourself, and that one way to do that would be to take a break on the financial end by working less and borrowing money? maybe he meant to say that your emotional and mental needs should come first, and was trying to offer a possible solution and phrased it poorly?
what do you want out of therapy? if you want somebody to sit you down and commisserate with you, quit now. if your mind is totally made up as to what you will and won't do and consider, why did you go in the first place?
i agree with jason. it could have just been a bad first time. i recommend going back and telling him what you *thought* it was going to be like, and how you were disappointed by your first meeting, and what you hope to get out of future meetings. if it continues to be something you absolutely hate, then obviously it's not going to help, but it *could* have been just a first-time thing.

That's why I'm going to go back, like I said I would. To find out if it's always going to be something I hate, or if it was a weird fluke.

And yes, I have my mind made up about certain things I will and won't do. Does that mean that I have thought of and judged everything? No. That is why I am going - because there are things I haven't thought of or tried that might help.

I'd say once more is enough. If you don't like it after that you're probably not going to. Find someone else. Don't forget that some of this will be really uncomfortable but from the sounds of it that's not the problem. Sounds like the guy is kinda inept from what you've been saying. As for the end of the hour thing that is the toughest part because he does need to get you out of there because there are other clients but at the same time he should be at least a little caring about it.

I would think he's just inept, too, only he's the head of the clinic. =P

That's encouraging...

My first reaction was that he sounded like a jerk - or kind of intimidating. I think psychiatry is like teaching in one respect - you can't expect the people you are there to teach/help listen to you unless they feel that you like and respect them and he doesn't sound as though he's working towards that. I'm sure you weren't expecting some instant connection with the guy but he doesn't sound like someone you would ever want to open up to. Sure he's a professional (whatever that means) but it doesn't mean he's right or that the way he spoke to you was appropriate or the best thing for you.

I'm not sure people pay psychiatrists to care about them... I think it's more about unravelling those mental knots, getting help working out priorities and stuff.

Did he really say that about the hammer? That doesn't make any sense to me.

yeah, he really did. that I might as well be hitting myself on the thumb with a hammer - it would hurt just as much. =P

ugh. yeah. getting counselling is hard work. it was weeks after i decided to get some that anyone could actually fit me in the schedule. my person was definitely clueless. i didn't care enough to find someone helpful, though. my initial expectations went totally unfulfilled and it really became...something. a time for me to tell someone what i'd been thinking about concerning this stuff that nobody else really wanted to talk to me about, or i didn't really want to talk to them about. she'd ask questions. i'd think about them and answer them. mostly they were pretty irrelevent, but every once in a while they'd lead to better questions. possibly it was just something for me to do while my head straightened itself out. maybe it was just a solid floor, where i knew that if i fell down i wouldn't keep falling into oblivion but would be whisked away to a white room somewhere.

anyway, the first couple sessions i found completely useless because they're for the counselor rather than for you. i did intake sessions twice. possibly my not wanting to deal with any more intake sessions is what kept me from looking for someone more helpful.

btw - i think my icq has stopped talking to your icq. i was talking to goldbug yesterday about how weird it was that you asked me if i was here and when i answered you got offline, and she said that you had said that it was weird that i never answered you. my icq won't talk to goldbug's icq either. it stopped working right in the middle of a conversation, and hasn't worked since. time for a reinstall?

anyway, goodluck with all that.

Aha. Yeah, I send you a lot of messages asking you if you're there, and never get replies. Sounds weird. I thought it was just a thing with the dial-up users, because I have trouble talking to goldbug and Brendan often, but since it's you, too... maybe just the ICQ network is getting overloaded? Or maybe you do need to reinstall. Hmm.

As for the sessions... yeah, that's yet another idea. See if it can just be SOMETHING stable that is there, and not rely on the guy to be something specifically good for me...

heh heh.
for a while i thought you might just have this weird thing about needing to know where i was all the time, because i always answered your querries, and then you never said anything else.

I'm stalking you....

(no subject)

I love you, Julia

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